Andrew G Marshall

I am taking a break and will not be posting any further replies to Ask Andrew until September.

As well as being a marital therapist, I write plays and my latest will be at the Edinburgh Festival this year. Here are the details, if you’re going to be in the city or live there - you will find the story inspirational:

Over the past ten plus years of easy credit, cheaper manufactured goods and rising living standards, most couples have managed to juggle their money without coming to serious blows. When there have been problems, it has been reasonably straight-forward to refinance and smooth over any differences. However, the credit crunch has put a stop to this and many couples are facing their fundamentally different attitudes to money for the first time. The result is about eighty percent of the couples I’m seeing for marital therapy need help with rows about money. In contrast, five years ago when I conducted a survey into the reasons couples entered counselling, ‘money problems’ ranked only sixth.

A typical example of a couple facing a credit crunch are Louise and Will, both in their mid thirties, who have been hit by a double whammy of increased mortgage costs and Louise’s maternity benefits ending. “We used to have plenty of money, foreign holidays and plenty of time together,” explains Louise, “but now we hardly see each other and when we do we end up rowing about money. Yet the worst part is that I feel so helpless.” While Louise has become a worrier, Will has tried to cope with the crisis by switching off. “I’m under a lot of pressure at work, so I need to relax at home or my head will explode,” he explains, “so I’ll play games on the computer or go off fishing at the weekend. Okay we’ve money problems but what’s the point of obsessing?” Like most couples with financial problems, they are on a money see-saw. So that the more one partner pushes down on their end, the higher up (and more extreme) the other goes. In the case of Louise and Will, the more ‘Unconcerned’ - at least on the surface - that he becomes, the more ‘Worried’ she becomes. It has got to the point where they find it impossible to discuss their finances as even the slightest disagreement can turn nasty and end with days of not speaking.

Nowhere is the money see-saw more marked than when couples becomes ‘Saver’ and ‘Spender’. Jake and Carol have been married for over twenty years and their joint finances are basically in good shape. However, Jake believes that Carol’s spending is out of control. “She’s always coming back from the shops with piles of bags,” Jake complains. “It’s not like they’re all for me,” she countered. “I used to buy him something nice, like a jumper, but he’d get so upset that I stopped.” Unfortunately, whenever Jake got angry - normally after discovering Carol had taken out more debt - she got depressed and felt the need to raise her mood with another shopping trip. Their problems were made worse because they had no joint bank account and instead shuffled money between personal bank and savings accounts.

Another common see-saw is ‘wise’ and ‘innocent’ about money. On the surface, Pete, fifty-two, and Samantha, thirty-nine, should have similar attitudes to money. They both had childhoods were finances were tight. Pete was the eldest of eight children and his mother struggled on his father’s postman’s salary. Samantha’s father owned a hairdressing salon but was an alcoholic and drank all the profits. So her family had started in a detached house with a garden and ended up in a council flat. However, they drew very different conclusions from their experiences. Pete became money ‘wise’: reading the financial section of the newspaper, making investments and putting money into a pension fund. Samantha became ‘innocent’. “I know nothing about money,” she joked, “if an item is reduced by twenty pounds that means I can spend the ‘saved’ money on something else”. The more reckless that Samantha became, the more Pete felt the need to hoard money. “Sometimes I feel like a little girl, asking Daddy for pocket money,” Samantha complained.

So how do you defuse these arguments and survive the credit crunch? The first step is to understand that money means different things to different people. So I ask couples to tell each other a story from their childhood. Pete remembered finding fifty pence on the beach and the look on his mother’s face when he gave it to her and the extra food it bought. So I asked him what money meant. “Power,” he answered. Samantha told about the pleasure from a shiny new bicycle for her tenth birthday and the pain of discovering three weeks later that her father had sold it. So what did money mean to her? “Enjoy it while you can,” she concluded. Other meanings for money include: freedom, security, fun, a terrible responsibility, a way of keeping score, corrupting, status, respect. There are as many answers as there are people.

The next step is to identify your particular see-saw - worried/unconcerned, saver/spender, wise/innocent, hoarder/gambler - and your greatest fear about what would happen if your partner got his or her way. For Carol, the shopper, it was: “Everything will be grey and dour and with no joy”. Her husband, Jake, was quick to reassure: “I don’t want to stop all your spending.” Jake’s greatest fear was that the house would be repossessed. It was Carol’s turn to calm him down: “I’m aware that my wardrobe has got out of hand and I’ve started selling some excess clothes on ebay.” Ultimately, they were able to see that both ends of the see-saw had value: Without Jake’s saving, they would be in serious financial hardship but without Carol’s ability to enjoy money, there would be no treats and their lives would be very dull.

Another way of understanding your partner’s position on the money see-saw is to examine your past. Although your take on money might seem fixed, it will often change from relationship to relationship - depending on the other person’s personality and attitude to money. When Will, the man who escaped his money worries by fishing and computer games, looked back at his first marriage he had a valuable insight. “She was entirely reckless and I had to keep a very firm hand,” he remembered. In effect, he had been the ‘Worrier’ in that relationship. He turned to Louise: “I’m sorry, it must be horrible for you. We should be doing this together.” Ultimately, they had found a middle position where their see-saw could be balanced.

It is only at this point that the traditional solution for money worries - getting out the bills, bank statements and pocket calculator - can come into play. For the first time, Will explained the complexities of his company’s sales commissions and why his salary changed each month. Louise felt less in the dark and more reassured. Meanwhile, Carol, the shopper, was able to reveal the extent of her debts to Jake - which turned out to be less than he feared. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” asked Jake. “I would have felt judged,” explained Carol. When they went through the monthly out-goings in their separate accounts, Jake accepted that the amount he contributed to their joint living expenses was inadequate. (Her debts were partially caused by funding items like their children’s birthday presents out of the supermarket allowance.) They also realised that their accounting system was a hang-over from when they first came together and did not reflect the realities of family life. So they opened a joint account.

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong approach to finances. However, dealings need to be transparent and honest and this is only possible if both partners feel that their opinions have been heard and valued first.

Are you financially compatible?

Look at the following questions and write down your immediate thoughts on a separate piece of paper. Don’t spend too long, your first response is the most revealing. Then give the quiz to your partner to complete and compare results. Discuss the differences and similarities in your attitudes to money, how you could meet in the middle and whether you need to arrange your finances differently.

1. For me, money represents…… (write down your top three answers.)

2. Look at the following lists and choose your top five spending priorities: car, clothes, home improvements, socialising, eating out, sports/gym membership, saving/investing, gadgets, holidays, treats, items for the house, children.

3. How much does your partner bring home, after deductions, every month?

4. How much money is it acceptable to spend on items purely for yourself in an average month?

5. What is the biggest amount you would spend on yourself without consulting your partner?

6. Without prior discussion, what is the most you would spend on something for the house or the children?

7. For me, debts is……….. (write down your feelings/attitude towards debt.)

8. How much debt, excluding mortgage payments, do you reckon that you are carrying as a couple?

9. How much personal debt, do you think your partner is carrying?

10. What is your greatest weakness concerning money?

If you looking for help falling back in love, recovering from an affair or despair of ever finding love, maybe I can help. I have a few vacancies in my new private practise. For more details, click on the counselling button on the left hand side of this page.

Twelve Stops on the Road to Intimacy

These are designed to be done one per week, but stay at each stop until you feel comfortable. If you wish to move quicker - that’s fine too. However just as intimacy normally bleeds slowly out of a relationship, it is best re-introduced gradually. Hopefully the earlier stops will become second nature, so they are continued - without thinking - even while you are focusing on the later ones.

This programme is easier shared with your partner but do not worry if he or she takes any discussion as an attack, as you can instigate the Twelve Stops on the Road to Intimacy on your own. Your changed behaviour will lead by example and create a knock-on effect.

1. Validate each other. Compliment or congratulate your partner on a job well done. He or she will probably think you are after something, but just smile and repeat the praise.

2. Grab opportunities to talk. Think back to how detailed your stories were when you were courting. Everything is in the detail, for it brings the story to life. Ask your partner to explain something from their life too.

3. Set aside quality talking time. Every couple should take stock about what they want from life from time to time. Where are we heading? What are our unfilled aspirations? Be vulnerable and really open up about your hopes and fears too. However the main aim is setting aside enough time for the two of you. We cannot be intimate if our relationship is nothing more than scraps left over from work, family and friends. Guard this time jealously.

4. Confide a secret. You might tell friends everything, but are you as candid with your partner? Choose something revealing about yourself to tell her or him. Do not worry if you seem to be doing all the confessing. Like sitting on a seesaw, your actions mean your partner will move too and over time become more candid.

5. Touch your partner. Reintroduce casual touching into your relationship. Stroke the back of your partner’s hand when he is driving the car, hold hands while she is watching TV, give him a kiss on the back of their neck when he is on the computer. Sometimes a touch is worth a thousand words.

6. Share. Take one bowl of ice cream and two spoons into a warm bath. Couples normally laugh when I suggest this one but they love it. Make certain there is only one bowl - because, after all, this is about sharing. Try feeding each other too as this can be very sensual. Feel free to make love, but remember this is also about being naked together without being obliged to have intercourse.

7. Set the scene. Take a long hard look at your bedroom? Is it a passion killer? When I’ve asked couples to describe where they make love, I’ve heard about everything from stacks of bills beside the bed to animals sleeping under the duvet. Have a clear out - the bedroom should be a stage for your passion, not a dumping ground. Make certain the room is warm enough, the lighting kind (candles are a good tip) and that there is a lock on the door. Finally, add a sound system to set the mood and to prevent worries about being overheard.

8. Slow down your lovemaking. Intimacy needs time. Unfortunately, men often head straight for the genitals and women sometimes want to get things over as quickly as possible. As we hurtle down the highway, intimacy is left on the hard shoulder. Avoid the temptation to say anything about this during lovemaking. However nicely put, the comments will still be heard as criticism. Instead slide his or her hands to somewhere else you would like to be touched. Add a positive affirmation: ‘I love it when you…’ Another way of slowing down is to change position. For example, the woman being on top allows her to decide the moment of penetration.

9. Find new erogenous zones. Where are our erogenous zones? Answer: anywhere where the skin is thin and the nerves are therefore near the surface. The middle of your back; the under side of your wrist; elbows; the nape of your neck; the outer part of your lips - this is why nibbling can be more passionate than plain kissing.

10. Skip intercourse. Sexual intimacy is a whole body experience and intercourse should be an optional extra. Once you can be close without full-blown penetration, the stakes are nowhere near so high. Although you might not be in the mood for penetrating or penetration, you are seldom too tired to cuddle or be stroked.

11. Make initiation a shared responsibility. The person who always asks or sets the ball rolling for love making risks feeling taken for granted or, worse, being rejected and feeling undesirable. If you seldom take charge, now is your opportunity. If it is normally your responsibility, hold back and give your partner space to initiate.

12. Experiment. Try bringing something new into your relationship. It might be somewhere new to make love, like the backseat of your car down lover’s lane, or something different like one of you keeping your clothes on while the other is totally naked. They don’t need to be big changes, but something to show each other that you’ve made intimacy a continuing priority.

Extracted from Andrew G Marshall’s book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ Bloomsbury £8.99.

If you have a love crisis and need a fresh perspective, there are three ways that I can help. Firstly, my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’. This is packed with case studies, research and practical exercises. Secondly, you can use my Ask Andrew service. Particularly if you have read my book but need to discuss your particular circumstances. (See the button on the left) and there is an example of the type of question and my answer in this post. Finally, I offer individual or couple counselling. (See the button on the left.) If you live a distance away or just need to unburden, I do offer one off sessions too.

Dear Andrew

My husband and i have been together for 20 yrs. We have two girls aged 9 and 13. Three years ago my partner had an affair. After getting over the initial upset, i decided that it would be best to give our relationship another try for my family. The following years saw the gap widen between us. I felt i was putting in all my effort to get a response from him regarding my feelings and his, to try and sort out our problems. I suggested counselling to try this also but he refused.

Over time my love had faded and i was no longer in love with him. I’ve never talked to anybody else about this until this time last year. I met a man who i was able to talk about all these feelings with. Things started out as an amazing friendship. I thought my relationship with my husband was impenetrable. But over time my feelings developed for my friend. All the things I’ve ever looked for in a man are what i see in him. We were only too aware of what was happening and tried to deal with this in a sound way without trying to hurt anybody. I couldn’t tell my husband this because he would never understand. Recently my husband discovered us together. The last month has been a complete mess. I’ve told him i don’t want to be with him any more. And that i have had feelings for someone else. The trouble being i was too aware of what i was doing. And i didn’t mind to carry on this good feeling with my friend.

Suddenly my husband wants to save our relationship. All my previous attempts to try and communicate, my sleepless nights and tears. And suddenly he wants to try. The problem for me is my daughters. I don’t want to split them from their father. But at the same time i don’t want to work on things with my partner. I feel i’ve put in all my heart and soul and i’m tired. My feelings for my friend are way too strong now. I love him. We know this is not a normal way to develop a relationship. But i really want to have a chance to try.

Recently i went to get some advice form my GP because ive been so upset, who refered me to a counsellor. I explained the situation and they said it was my duty to try again for my years of marriage and my family. The trouble being i don’t want to. They called my husband for a joint session. They said that i wanted to try again and that it would be best if i did. My husband was pleased that i wanted to try again. I had not said yes. I was left standing there speechless feeling alone. I told my friend and he said this didn’t sound like proper counselling because they didn’t help me find my answers. Only what was the ‘right’ thing to do. I know my friend loves me sincerely. He wishes me to be happy with whatever i decide is best. This way makes me even more drawn to him. Whilst my husband ‘knows’ what’s best for me, and i still feel like my feelings are not listened to. Have things gone to far with friend? Do i owe a chance to my family? or do i owe a chance to myself? Any advice is appreciated.

Andrew writes: You are in a terrible dilemma. Which ever way you turn, someone is going to get hurt and you will become even more burdened. If you go off with your lover, you will feel guilty about the pain inflicted on your daughters and the disappointment of your husband. If you stay and work on your marriage, you will feel resentful and angry. So what can I do? Firstly, I can help understand how you got into this hole. Next, I’ll try and offer a dispassionate look at the options and finally give some advice on how to start digging your way out. Does that sound okay?

As you discovered three years ago, affairs are incredibly destructive to relationships. Especially if, when they are discovered, a couple agrees ‘to put the past behind us’ and not really look at why the relationship was in trouble. Over time, it becomes harder and harder to raise the original problems or hurt and an icy atmosphere sets into the marriage. Worse still, one or both parties feel that the problems are insoluble. Under these circumstances, I am not surprised that a friendship - that made you feel heard and special - tipped over into an affair.

However, I wonder if now that you’ve had the experience of being the deceiver, rather than the deceived, that you understand why your husband strayed three years ago. People normally cheat, not because they are wicked or sex maniacs, but because they are not only deeply unhappy and also unable to communicate. The affair makes them feel just a little bit better. It is almost like self medication.

Unfortunately, like a drink or drugs, an affair only works in the short term. As you have discovered, an affair happens in a bubble with no responsibilities and lots of pleasure. When the truth comes out, the bubble bursts and life becomes ‘a complete mess’. Finally, you have to face that your choices have an impact on others. Your daughters will be devastated if your marriage breaks up. They will not understand why you have left their father. They will be angry and resentful towards your lover - because they have to have someone to blame. The chances of a happy harmonious life together are not high. You will always be trying to keep the peace between the two warring parties: step-father versus children. I counsel a lot of step-families and even when the parents met their new partner several years after divorce, and therefore ‘blameless’, it is not a pretty picture. Okay, you say, it will be bad at the beginning - but surely the children will get over it and everybody will be better off in the long run? Possibly. But again, research into the impact of divorce on children is not promising. One study shows problems even thirty years later, with the children of divorce finding it harder to trust, settle down and make relationships themselves. Divorce really is the last resort.

So what should you do? Look back at your letter, you have presented all your actions in the best possible light. Explaining why you have done something and adding mitigating circumstances. This is only natural. Now, I want you to do the same thing for your husband. Why did he behave as he did? What explanations could help us understand his actions? How has he been feeling? Hopefully, you will end up with a more balanced account of the last three years and everything will not look so black and white.

It is possible for a marriage to recover from an affair - but it takes hard work and an understanding what went wrong. Your husband will need to listen to you and you will need to listen to him. There will be a lot of pain and grief, however I regularly counsel couples who emerge out the other side with a stronger and better relationship. Most importantly, they are in love again. Unfortunately, your counsellor sounds very prescriptive. I don’t know if this is how you have heard what he/she has said or his/her actual behaviour. It does not sound a RELATE counsellor. If the two of you do decide to work on the relationship, I would make a fresh start with counselling too and go to Relate. If this is a Relate counsellor, speak to the manager and ask to transferred to someone else within the centre. You will not be the first as sometimes people just do not click. After all, counsellors are human too.

Finally, you ask if it is too late to try again. You love your boyfriend but do you love him enough? That is the tougher question. At the moment, you clearly do not want to give him up. However, you cannot straddle the two worlds of affair and marriage for much longer - or you will be torn in two. I think the only way out is to be 100% honest with your husband. Tell him the true nature of your feelings. If he want to save the marriage, he has to know how bad things have become. Don’t pussy foot round with words like I have ‘feelings’ for your lover, if you mean ‘love’. Tell your husband the depth of your love and why it has become so strong. He will be devastated but at least he will know what he’s up against and you will feel truly heard. This truthfulness might provide a raft to save your marriage. It could sink it. However, if you go back through the last three years, you will discover that not being honest or saying ‘I’m okay’ when really you were in pain’ is the reason why you’ve got yourself into this hole. Only the truth can get you out. Does that sound too tough and prescriptive? I hope not. Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Following demand from readers, I have decided to experiment and offer a few private sessions of counselling on a Wednesday evening. The venue is the Heeler Centre, Hassocks, West Sussex. (www.heelercentre.co.uk). It is right beside Hassocks railway station - sixty minutes from Victoria or London Bridge on the Brighton line - so convenient for people coming down from London.

The first session would be a general discussion about your problems, what I can offer and checking that we have a match. The cost is £75. Ideally, I like to see both partners.

If this sounds like something that you would be interested in, go to the Workshops and Counselling button on the left hand side of this page and click through. There is a box to fill in with your details.