Andrew G Marshall

Twelve Stops on the Road to Intimacy

These are designed to be done one per week, but stay at each stop until you feel comfortable. If you wish to move quicker - that’s fine too. However just as intimacy normally bleeds slowly out of a relationship, it is best re-introduced gradually. Hopefully the earlier stops will become second nature, so they are continued - without thinking - even while you are focusing on the later ones.

This programme is easier shared with your partner but do not worry if he or she takes any discussion as an attack, as you can instigate the Twelve Stops on the Road to Intimacy on your own. Your changed behaviour will lead by example and create a knock-on effect.

1. Validate each other. Compliment or congratulate your partner on a job well done. He or she will probably think you are after something, but just smile and repeat the praise.

2. Grab opportunities to talk. Think back to how detailed your stories were when you were courting. Everything is in the detail, for it brings the story to life. Ask your partner to explain something from their life too.

3. Set aside quality talking time. Every couple should take stock about what they want from life from time to time. Where are we heading? What are our unfilled aspirations? Be vulnerable and really open up about your hopes and fears too. However the main aim is setting aside enough time for the two of you. We cannot be intimate if our relationship is nothing more than scraps left over from work, family and friends. Guard this time jealously.

4. Confide a secret. You might tell friends everything, but are you as candid with your partner? Choose something revealing about yourself to tell her or him. Do not worry if you seem to be doing all the confessing. Like sitting on a seesaw, your actions mean your partner will move too and over time become more candid.

5. Touch your partner. Reintroduce casual touching into your relationship. Stroke the back of your partner’s hand when he is driving the car, hold hands while she is watching TV, give him a kiss on the back of their neck when he is on the computer. Sometimes a touch is worth a thousand words.

6. Share. Take one bowl of ice cream and two spoons into a warm bath. Couples normally laugh when I suggest this one but they love it. Make certain there is only one bowl - because, after all, this is about sharing. Try feeding each other too as this can be very sensual. Feel free to make love, but remember this is also about being naked together without being obliged to have intercourse.

7. Set the scene. Take a long hard look at your bedroom? Is it a passion killer? When I’ve asked couples to describe where they make love, I’ve heard about everything from stacks of bills beside the bed to animals sleeping under the duvet. Have a clear out - the bedroom should be a stage for your passion, not a dumping ground. Make certain the room is warm enough, the lighting kind (candles are a good tip) and that there is a lock on the door. Finally, add a sound system to set the mood and to prevent worries about being overheard.

8. Slow down your lovemaking. Intimacy needs time. Unfortunately, men often head straight for the genitals and women sometimes want to get things over as quickly as possible. As we hurtle down the highway, intimacy is left on the hard shoulder. Avoid the temptation to say anything about this during lovemaking. However nicely put, the comments will still be heard as criticism. Instead slide his or her hands to somewhere else you would like to be touched. Add a positive affirmation: ‘I love it when you…’ Another way of slowing down is to change position. For example, the woman being on top allows her to decide the moment of penetration.

9. Find new erogenous zones. Where are our erogenous zones? Answer: anywhere where the skin is thin and the nerves are therefore near the surface. The middle of your back; the under side of your wrist; elbows; the nape of your neck; the outer part of your lips - this is why nibbling can be more passionate than plain kissing.

10. Skip intercourse. Sexual intimacy is a whole body experience and intercourse should be an optional extra. Once you can be close without full-blown penetration, the stakes are nowhere near so high. Although you might not be in the mood for penetrating or penetration, you are seldom too tired to cuddle or be stroked.

11. Make initiation a shared responsibility. The person who always asks or sets the ball rolling for love making risks feeling taken for granted or, worse, being rejected and feeling undesirable. If you seldom take charge, now is your opportunity. If it is normally your responsibility, hold back and give your partner space to initiate.

12. Experiment. Try bringing something new into your relationship. It might be somewhere new to make love, like the backseat of your car down lover’s lane, or something different like one of you keeping your clothes on while the other is totally naked. They don’t need to be big changes, but something to show each other that you’ve made intimacy a continuing priority.

Extracted from Andrew G Marshall’s book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ Bloomsbury £8.99.