Andrew G Marshall

Over the past ten plus years of easy credit, cheaper manufactured goods and rising living standards, most couples have managed to juggle their money without coming to serious blows. When there have been problems, it has been reasonably straight-forward to refinance and smooth over any differences. However, the credit crunch has put a stop to this and many couples are facing their fundamentally different attitudes to money for the first time. The result is about eighty percent of the couples I’m seeing for marital therapy need help with rows about money. In contrast, five years ago when I conducted a survey into the reasons couples entered counselling, ‘money problems’ ranked only sixth.

A typical example of a couple facing a credit crunch are Louise and Will, both in their mid thirties, who have been hit by a double whammy of increased mortgage costs and Louise’s maternity benefits ending. “We used to have plenty of money, foreign holidays and plenty of time together,” explains Louise, “but now we hardly see each other and when we do we end up rowing about money. Yet the worst part is that I feel so helpless.” While Louise has become a worrier, Will has tried to cope with the crisis by switching off. “I’m under a lot of pressure at work, so I need to relax at home or my head will explode,” he explains, “so I’ll play games on the computer or go off fishing at the weekend. Okay we’ve money problems but what’s the point of obsessing?” Like most couples with financial problems, they are on a money see-saw. So that the more one partner pushes down on their end, the higher up (and more extreme) the other goes. In the case of Louise and Will, the more ‘Unconcerned’ - at least on the surface - that he becomes, the more ‘Worried’ she becomes. It has got to the point where they find it impossible to discuss their finances as even the slightest disagreement can turn nasty and end with days of not speaking.

Nowhere is the money see-saw more marked than when couples becomes ‘Saver’ and ‘Spender’. Jake and Carol have been married for over twenty years and their joint finances are basically in good shape. However, Jake believes that Carol’s spending is out of control. “She’s always coming back from the shops with piles of bags,” Jake complains. “It’s not like they’re all for me,” she countered. “I used to buy him something nice, like a jumper, but he’d get so upset that I stopped.” Unfortunately, whenever Jake got angry - normally after discovering Carol had taken out more debt - she got depressed and felt the need to raise her mood with another shopping trip. Their problems were made worse because they had no joint bank account and instead shuffled money between personal bank and savings accounts.

Another common see-saw is ‘wise’ and ‘innocent’ about money. On the surface, Pete, fifty-two, and Samantha, thirty-nine, should have similar attitudes to money. They both had childhoods were finances were tight. Pete was the eldest of eight children and his mother struggled on his father’s postman’s salary. Samantha’s father owned a hairdressing salon but was an alcoholic and drank all the profits. So her family had started in a detached house with a garden and ended up in a council flat. However, they drew very different conclusions from their experiences. Pete became money ‘wise’: reading the financial section of the newspaper, making investments and putting money into a pension fund. Samantha became ‘innocent’. “I know nothing about money,” she joked, “if an item is reduced by twenty pounds that means I can spend the ‘saved’ money on something else”. The more reckless that Samantha became, the more Pete felt the need to hoard money. “Sometimes I feel like a little girl, asking Daddy for pocket money,” Samantha complained.

So how do you defuse these arguments and survive the credit crunch? The first step is to understand that money means different things to different people. So I ask couples to tell each other a story from their childhood. Pete remembered finding fifty pence on the beach and the look on his mother’s face when he gave it to her and the extra food it bought. So I asked him what money meant. “Power,” he answered. Samantha told about the pleasure from a shiny new bicycle for her tenth birthday and the pain of discovering three weeks later that her father had sold it. So what did money mean to her? “Enjoy it while you can,” she concluded. Other meanings for money include: freedom, security, fun, a terrible responsibility, a way of keeping score, corrupting, status, respect. There are as many answers as there are people.

The next step is to identify your particular see-saw - worried/unconcerned, saver/spender, wise/innocent, hoarder/gambler - and your greatest fear about what would happen if your partner got his or her way. For Carol, the shopper, it was: “Everything will be grey and dour and with no joy”. Her husband, Jake, was quick to reassure: “I don’t want to stop all your spending.” Jake’s greatest fear was that the house would be repossessed. It was Carol’s turn to calm him down: “I’m aware that my wardrobe has got out of hand and I’ve started selling some excess clothes on ebay.” Ultimately, they were able to see that both ends of the see-saw had value: Without Jake’s saving, they would be in serious financial hardship but without Carol’s ability to enjoy money, there would be no treats and their lives would be very dull.

Another way of understanding your partner’s position on the money see-saw is to examine your past. Although your take on money might seem fixed, it will often change from relationship to relationship - depending on the other person’s personality and attitude to money. When Will, the man who escaped his money worries by fishing and computer games, looked back at his first marriage he had a valuable insight. “She was entirely reckless and I had to keep a very firm hand,” he remembered. In effect, he had been the ‘Worrier’ in that relationship. He turned to Louise: “I’m sorry, it must be horrible for you. We should be doing this together.” Ultimately, they had found a middle position where their see-saw could be balanced.

It is only at this point that the traditional solution for money worries - getting out the bills, bank statements and pocket calculator - can come into play. For the first time, Will explained the complexities of his company’s sales commissions and why his salary changed each month. Louise felt less in the dark and more reassured. Meanwhile, Carol, the shopper, was able to reveal the extent of her debts to Jake - which turned out to be less than he feared. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” asked Jake. “I would have felt judged,” explained Carol. When they went through the monthly out-goings in their separate accounts, Jake accepted that the amount he contributed to their joint living expenses was inadequate. (Her debts were partially caused by funding items like their children’s birthday presents out of the supermarket allowance.) They also realised that their accounting system was a hang-over from when they first came together and did not reflect the realities of family life. So they opened a joint account.

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong approach to finances. However, dealings need to be transparent and honest and this is only possible if both partners feel that their opinions have been heard and valued first.

Are you financially compatible?

Look at the following questions and write down your immediate thoughts on a separate piece of paper. Don’t spend too long, your first response is the most revealing. Then give the quiz to your partner to complete and compare results. Discuss the differences and similarities in your attitudes to money, how you could meet in the middle and whether you need to arrange your finances differently.

1. For me, money represents…… (write down your top three answers.)

2. Look at the following lists and choose your top five spending priorities: car, clothes, home improvements, socialising, eating out, sports/gym membership, saving/investing, gadgets, holidays, treats, items for the house, children.

3. How much does your partner bring home, after deductions, every month?

4. How much money is it acceptable to spend on items purely for yourself in an average month?

5. What is the biggest amount you would spend on yourself without consulting your partner?

6. Without prior discussion, what is the most you would spend on something for the house or the children?

7. For me, debts is……….. (write down your feelings/attitude towards debt.)

8. How much debt, excluding mortgage payments, do you reckon that you are carrying as a couple?

9. How much personal debt, do you think your partner is carrying?

10. What is your greatest weakness concerning money?