Andrew G Marshall

When I had this question to my Ask Andrew service, I thought that I would give my opinions and then throw it open to everybody else for their thoughts and experiences. Does age matter and if so, how big does a gap have to be before it becomes a problem?

Relationships are very personal things and the success or failure is down to a lot of circumstances: the personality of the couple, how well they communicate and how good the original bond. Generally most long-term couples are around the same age - give or take five years.  Personally I would not be too concerned about a ten year age gap, as long as both halves were over twenty-five and have had enough time to learn who they are. (When one partner is sixteen and the other is twenty-six, this can easily slip into a parent /child kind of relationship which although might work in the short-term creates lots of problems when the younger partner grows and changes.)

There are some exceptions to this rule…… especially if the woman is the older partner. For many young men, an older woman who is established and confident will be very appealling. This is fine when they first meet, perhaps the man is twenty eight and the woman is thirty eight. When the man is not ready to  have a family - and feels ‘forced’ into an early fatherhood by his partner’s ticking biological clock - this can cause resentment. I have also counselled couples when the man did not want children when he was younger but reached his mid-thirties and his biological clock started ticking. (Yes, men have a biological clock too. However, for them, it is less whether they are physically able to father a child but have energy to bring it up). If his partner is no longer able to have children or already has her family, this can be a make or break point.

The next scenario is a problem for both young men and women. If their parents get divorced - especially when they are teenagers - they can long for the security of marriage for themselves and an older person seems that bit more secure (and less likely to cheat on them - often a fear if their parents marriage split up through adulery). Often these are very passionate but volatile relationships because the younger person will acuse the older one of being controlling and stuck in their ways - the very things that first attracted them.

My final concern is that different aged couples will reach different life milestones at different times - especially the reassesment that most people go through around forty. Suddenly, two people can be dealing with very different problems and have little understanding of the pressure faced by the other.

Having said all this….. couples that communicate well and love eah other can overcome any obstacles. We can only live in the moment (and there is little point in worrying about ten or twenty years time) so I would say: seize the moment and go for it.

Now over to you? What do you think and how would you answer this question? You can add your thoughts by writing to me through the Ask Andrew service (see the button on the left)