Ask Andrew – 152
Hi,
I recently read and enjoyed The Single Trap. I would welcome your views on what may help me move on and find a lasting and happy relationship.
Some background: Over a year ago my ex-boyfriend ended our 18 month relationship. I was happy with our relationship and felt hurt and upset to learn not only did he not feel the same way, but that he had neglected to tell me at any stage, nor allowed us the opportunity to work things through.
He told me that he had no idea why he wanted to finish but said, ‘Everything is great between us, we get on so well and have so much in common, the same values and I am attracted to you. I don’t know what it is but there is something, and I have no urge whatsoever to marry you’. Although I was serious about him marriage was not on my mind or something I was asking for. I would like to be married but believe that committment, respect and an enjoyable relationship are more important than a symbol such as marriage or getting a mortgage. I told me there was nobody else involved and I believe him. He was 38 and I am 6 years younger. Neither of us has been married or engaged.
We parted on amicable terms and I made every effort to get on with my life. Contact between us stopped overnight which was difficult as we had been so close. I threw myself into work and developing my new career which I really enjoy, did lots of things socially,met lots of new people, exercised, went for some counselling to try and understand myself in relationships better and generally did all I could to make sure that I made a negative experience into a positive. And I also made certain that I did not persue my ex or aim to “convince” him to be with me.
Now, after all this time I still feel upset about it. My ex and I did have some contact a handful of times (initiated by me) but even though he told me missed me and had doubts about ending the relationship and would like a reconcilliation, they were mixed messages and actions did not follow through.
I do not have any hopes for a reconcilliation now as, asides from his absence, the trust has gone. Although I am happy single I would like to meet someone to have a lasting relationship with. However, I seem to be encountering men who “disappear” on me. There is obviously some kind of pattern here but I seem to be terribly bad at maintaining a relationship or identifying partners who will leave me unexpectedly. I find very few men attractive but am deliberately being more flexible with my check list but it is not making a difference.
Is it that I am not ready, or should I be out there meeting people and “acting as if”?
I was so happy in my last relationship it feels as if nothing else will be worth the effort, especially if it is going to end up like that. I used to be such a positive person and have done lots of self-development work over the last 5 years but this has really made me question my spirituality and the possibility of any future relationship working out. I would be grateful if you could share some advice with me.Please treat my contact information as confidential.
Thank you for your help.
Andrew writes
This guy seems to have really knocked the stuffing out of you. Despite all your hard work, he seems to still be casting a long shadow. I wonder why?
Maybe it’s the handful of time that you have contacted him and seen him, and his half talk of getting back together again. It would certainly keep you – what many of my clients describe as – hanging by a thread of hope. (And until you can accept that the relationship is over, you can’t heal and move on.)
My next thought is: how much time has passed? We want our pain to be over as quickly as possible – especially when our world has been turned upside down – and this can make us try and find short cuts through the recovery process. It certainly helps to understand but time is needed too.
Let’s move onto the pattern. Is this something that happened before your recent boyfriend or after him? If it is after, I’m not surprised that you’ve been attracting guys who are not ready to commit – because you are not ready for a new relationship yet. (As the Single Trap explains: Like attracts like.
Finally, I wonder why this knock back has been so devastating? Often, it is because the recent rejection reawakens a much greater rejection from your past. So if you were a client, I would want to hear about your childhood and your relationship with your father.
My gut feeling is that this only a minor setback. Once you have got your confidence back, you will have no trouble finding the right guy. However, you might like to think about coming on my July workshop. It will help you understand what’s going on at the moment and put together your recovery plan.
