Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
Hello, I’ve written to you before and sorry for taking up more time. I bought your ILYB book early last year when my husband confessed to an affair. He moved out ‘to get space’, we went to counselling, he moved back. Only when his girlfriend rang did I find out their affair had continued during his absence, and he had kept her hoping while living back home, just in case. He left again, even though the affair was over. He has had over a year living as a single man, and I had to make it easy for him to see the children, or he would not bother with them at all. He spent lots of time with us, though would soon leave if things became uncomfortable. Throughout this time I have tried to be happy and welcoming without yelling (though not always successfully). The ‘coping day to day’ pages of the book are known off by heart as I have been stuck in that situation all this time.
Recently, I told him I’d finally had enough he either came home or we divorced. After much huffing and puffing, he came home. Now I am paying the price for trying to keep our marriage together. He regularly tells me he no longer loves me “because of what happened” (his affair), but hopes to again someday, and he would like to have a happy marriage. He often ‘let’s slip’ something like how he loved the other woman just as much as me, how when I thought he was working he was actually somewhere else, and other times when he lied successfully. He won’t go to counselling but also if i try and set some tiny concrete goal for us to work towards, he huffs and sulks to make me back off. He says it is uncomfortable to talk about things so don’t talk about them, he prefers to pretend nothing has happened.
I realise things can’t work overnight but I’m really wondering where we can go from here. I don’t feel in love with him anymore. If I say we are pleased he’s come home, he will say “Well that’s nice isn’t it?” Only if I threaten divorce and take off my ring does he sit up and notice, then he is almost like a stalker until peace is restored. I feel manipulated, he only seems happy when I’m showing my doubts and insecurities. I don’t want this sort of marriage. It often feels as if there is something he resents me for, he will say “well wouldn’t we all like to be outgoing/intelligent/optimistic like you?” in a sneering voice, yet I have almost idolised him in the past, not looked down on him, as he seems to do to me now. He can be kind, and I see flashes of the old him, but then he will turn away from a hug and I feel bad for making him come home. Sorry I come across as a drip and thankyou for reading.
Andrew writes:
Your home does not sound a happy place at the moment. The two of you are in a very difficult and dangerous place - much more of this torture and both of you will want to throw in your marriage. So how do you break through this stalemate where he is home but still absent from your marriage?
Let’s talk about him first. He comes across, in your letter, as angry. He drips information about the affair into the conversation - not to heal but to hurt. He regularly tells you that he doesn’t love you. However, instead of being openly angry - it sneaks out in put downs and turning away. This is doubly painful as it is hard to challenge and he can pretend that you’re ‘over-reacting’.
Moving onto your contribution, it sounds like you are swinging between two reactions: overly positive (we can work this out, if we just…….) and overly negative (I want a divorce). Neither of these approaches is getting a positive open dialogue going. In the meantime, you tell me that you don’t love him. Does he know this? Are you being truthful with him or just swinging back and forth between more extreme versions of how you really feel?
If you were having counselling with me. I would want to know what prompted the affair? What need it fulfilled in him? What was happening in your marriage around this time? How old he is and how he feels about growing older? What do both of you want to do with the rest of your life?
So you need to find a way to start this kind of conversation. Admit to him that you’ve been covering up your true feelings and tell him the truth. (This will model the kind of honesty that is needed and will hopefully prompt him to match with similar disclosures.) Ask him if he is feeling angry? Maybe prompt him with some reasons why he might be justified. When he begins to open up, don’t try and talk down his feelings or debate the issues - instead, prompt for more information. For example: Tell me more? How long have you felt like this? Seek clarification: ‘When I x, it makes you feel y’. When the two of you have a better understanding of the real situation, you can begin to find a way forward. (Look at the Three Steps to Conflict Resolution in Chapter Four - you need to spend much more time in the EXPLORE mode. My guess is that you are rushing onto ACTION too soon)
Probably, you will need professional help to sort this out. I know he will say, ‘we tried before but it didn’t work’. However, you cannot solve relationship problems when you are still involved with someone else! Finally, I want to end on a positive. The other women is out of the picture, the two of you are under the same roof, if you can learn to be ‘real’ with each other - this relationship can have a great future. Good luck.