Ask Andrew
Hello, Andrew!
Thank you a million times over for writing that wonderful book. When my boyfriend who I never argued with suddenly dropped the ILYB bomb on me, I was shocked that such a “smooth” relationship could be over out of nowhere. We have been together a little over a year, friends for two years before that, and living together for six months and I love him dearly.
I think the biggest mistake I made was trying to push him for more affection and complain when I didn’t get it. I definitely won’t make that mistake again. Also, he had been unable to achieve an erection for several months and he was definitely paranoid about it. I tried to show him that it was no problem, but sometimes I pressured him about it because I took it personally and felt like it meant I was unattractive. He would sometimes snap at me because he took a lot of the things I did to be pushing him for sex, even though I wasn’t. I also made the mistake when he dumped me of just sobbing three days straight right in front of him before I moved out, but I have since pulled myself together.
The one thing I couldn’t find in your book was what to do if you have already been dumped. Most of the advice in the book seems to assume that both partners are willing to give it a shot.
It has been six weeks since he dumped me and I moved out, and my response was to leave him be and let him have his space. I don’t want to put any pressure on him whatsoever, since I think putting pressure on him and not giving him space was the cause of the problem. Besides, we spent every second together outside of (somewhat short) work times, so it’s probably about time we had some space. When I do run into him, I just smile and be friendly and ask how things are.
Each time this happens, he is very cold at first, but then after a while he starts telling me things, the kind of things you call “news and views.” But he still seems very cold at the same time that he is sitting there telling me all this stuff about books he has read and how his game went and a guy who annoys him at work and everything. I don’t know what to make of that. I wish I could see him smile again, just once.
My plan at the moment is to give him plenty of space, act like we are friends, and then after he has warmed up a bit, tell him that I know I made a lot mistakes and ask that he help me become a better person by telling me about them. That way we can finally open the dialogue you say is so important, and I can just listen and try to understand his point of view. That’s the only way I can think of to get him to talk to me about what’s wrong without pushing him.
Whenever I used to try and get him to explain what was bothering him, he would tell me that he can’t tell me because he’s “not as smart as” me. I don’t get what that means, but I get that I need to stop putting pressure. He is extremely repressive of his own wants and needs, more than anyone I have ever known (his dad used to yell at him and tell him he was weak if he cried when he was a kid). He even told me about a woman at a party once who had wanted to have sex with him, and he didn’t want to but felt bad saying so, so he just lay there while she did! So I’m not sure how well this will work to get him to open up. But I will try.
Am I approaching this the right way? Thanks to your book, I know what to do if we get back together, and what I should have done before he dumped me, but I don’t know what to do at this point. I will move on if I really have to, but not without trying first.
Thank you for your time. I hope my English was okay!
Andrew writes:
Thank you for the complement about my book and I’m going to return the favour with one in return. Not only is your English ‘okay’ but until your final question, I didn’t realise that English was not your first language.
So how do you go about getting back with your boyfriend? I think you are following the right approach by giving him space. However he does sound very closed-in, especially when even ‘news and views’ does not solicit a smile. Hopefully, he will soon be ready to hear what you’ve learnt since your break-up and how things could be different. If he does return to the subject of being ‘not as smart as you’ tell him that he’s the expert on him. I would also complement him on everything that you appreciate - like he’s a good listener - and his contribution to make the relationship a success.
So when should you try for this kind of conversation…… there is no rule of thumb but I’m thinking somewhere between two and three months post split. Too soon and there’s not enough space. Too long and he’s beginning to adjust to life without you. If three months has already passed, I would suggest writing a letter as this will give him time to digest your thoughts without the pressure of having to immediately respond.
I think you’re right to try and save this relationship - you might succeed and, if not, it helps the recovery process to have tried everything (sensible). However, I am concerned at just how closed off he seems, the sexual problems and that limmerence was only just beginning to wear off.
Finally, I think you should be congratulated for using this difficult time as a springboard to learn about yourself. If you’d like to read more, I suggest reading my latest book The Single Trap (currently only available as Le Piege du Celibat in French) this has a lot about why we chose someone, why we get scared in relationships, how to recover from a relationship breakdown and how to make a better choice next time. You can buy it by clicking through from the dedicated page on my website.