Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew,
I’ve just bought your “ILYB” book today and have found it to be remarkably insightful and uplifting - it has given me real hope that my wife and I can save our marriage.
Our story:
I recently overheard my wife telling her sister that “she really likes this guy” - I was obviously very upset and confronted her. She eventually admitted that she had spoken to a former neighbour of ours in the pub on a couple of occasions and found him really easy to talk to, very good looking and felt butterflies when she saw him. She then said she had recognised the warning signs and decided to stop any further contact. I don’t think he was aware of her attraction and had merely been talking to her on a friendly basis but I could be wrong
Later, I asked her if she still fancied me and she said no - again I was crushed - and then she gave me the ILYB speech. Initially I thought that this was the end of “Us” but on reflection I thought “No” and decided to try and regain our happy marriage. She then told me she had been unhappy for 3 or so years and had buried her anger and as a result I had mistaken this for her being happy. I feel I’m in the collaborating stage, and outwardly my wife also appears to be in this stage, we are planning on moving house and she is currently doing a college course and hope to return to work soon. My job means I work away from home but we are financially comfortable.
We are still together and have decided to work on things - she is adverse to seeing a counselor as she is quite a private person and can’t open up to strangers. I have gone along with this and tried to be as positive and understanding as I can be and things seem to be going well. We have had the best sex in a long time but I’m unsure if this is just a reaction to the stress - I know we still need to be able to display anger to each other and recognise each others “language of love” amongst other things. One thing she has said which has really confused me is that she just want me to be myself - I said that this is what got us into this situation in the first place!
In addition it may help you to assist if I tell you about about our childhood’s:
Although my late father and mother were divorced they didn’t divorce until they were both in their sixties and I suspect an underlying mental illness on my mothers side may have been a primary cause of this. I had a relatively happy childhood but I never really bonded with my Dad. My mother, although supportive, wasn’t one for displays of affection. I also remember they argued a lot and as a result I will shy away from confrontation and avoid arguments. I am very affectionate though and often touch/hug/kiss my wife. I have betrayed my wife’s trust in the past, not through infidelity but through smoking behind her back.
My wife’s father died when she was three and her mother never remarried. Her mother is a very selfish person and spent years instilling into my wife how she should always love her mother because she has sacrificed so much by not remarrying because “she would never let another man share her house with her children”. Her mother is also very manipulative and is a bully - she always voices her opinion about how she sees the world with no consideration given as to how upsetting this may be to those around her. She also always had a favourite daughter - my wife’s sister - and made no secret of the fact, at every stage she has undermined my wife’s confidence and never commends or praises her - she seems to only ever see the negative in my wife and seems to find some perverse pleasure in putting my wife in her place.
I know there is no silver bullet to fix things but can you suggest what we should do to help us have the best chance possible? As well as still being in love with my wife and wanting to save our marriage we have a five year old little girl and I would hate for her to go through us getting divorced, even if it were an “amicable” one - if such a thing exists!
Many thanks and best regards,
John
Andrew writes:
Firstly, you are lucky to have an honest and sensible wife. It is greatly to her credit that she saw the warnings signs and stepped back from the brink of an affair. She also has to be congratulated for being honest about her attraction to the other guy you. With these ingredients - great things can be achieved.
As you have correctly identified, buried anger is one of the main causes of ILYB and your wife will naturally shy away from showing her feelings and in particular her anger because of her childhood experiences with her mother. However, there is hope here too. By listening to her problems, not flying off the handle or walking out the door - you have modelled the right sort of behaviour and she has learnt an important lesson: talking about her feelings does not necessarily put her at a disadvantage! She might even get listened to.
It’s a pity that she does not want to go for counselling but I suggest that she reads my book. This will give her an insight into what happens in therapy. She could also write to me and outline her concerns. Maybe, I can allay these fears. Finally, on this subject, Relate offers an initial consultation with a counsellor - before starting counselling. This is so clients can learn about the service and whether what’s on offer is right for them. (It is also so we can direct clients to the most appropriate of our services - or to another agency if relevant.) Basically, there is no long-term commitment in going for this first session - and like many things we fear, you wife might discover it easier in reality.
Next, we come onto ‘Be myself’. What could this mean? In the same way that your wife’s childhood shapes her today, yours will have had the same effect. So think about what it was like to have a mother with mental health issues? My guess is it must have been - at some level - quite worrying. Did you have to ‘manage’ her moods? Did you feel ‘responsible’ for her well being? Did you walk on egg shells sometimes? Now look at your behaviour today, are you doing something similar with your wife? Talk to her about your findings and ask her to flag up when you are not ‘being yourself’ so that you can either explain or change that particular behaviour. Ultimately, being ourselves is being open and honest and it sounds like your marriage has taken a huge step in that direction.