Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew,
I have read your book a few times now. I think its very good, but I do have a few issues with it. You say that looks are not important but surely they are seeing as thats the first thing you notice about someone is it not? For me If I dont fancy someone Im not going to ask them out pure and simple…
Also I couldnt relate at all to the mother and father section…. I have a wonderful relationship with me parents, and they are both very much in love with each other. My friends cant believe how they are with eachother its almost as though they have just got married not been married for 34 years! so I just dont see the connection at all…?
You say about joining clubs etc, but I just dont have the time I have very busy job which takes me around the world so im not here very much. This also makes it very difficult for me to build relationships as I dont have chance to build contact with members of the opposite sex as Im never in one place for very long. My job is very important to me and pays very well so Im not going to change jobs for the sake of meeting members of the opposite sex.
Its also very frowned upon where I work to have relationships with others members of staff and again I dont want to jepordise my job just for the sake of this.
So tell me what do you suggest?
Cheers
Andrew writes:
I’m pleased that you have enjoyed by book and, especially, that you have read it a few times.
I’ll take your points one-by-one. When it comes to looks everybody is different, but in research after research what people value as a partner is their personality not their looks. I would hope that you would get to know someone as a person - rather than on some superficial criteria like appearance - because the more you know someone, the less these things matter. After all, what you are looking for is a good person (and you cannot judge that straight-away). So take a little longer before you cross someone of your list of possibles.
Next the issue of your parents, having a mother and father who love each other so much can sometimes be rather daunting or a tough act to follow. They set such a high standard for our own relationships that we can be terrified of making a mistake.
Finally, the issue of meeting people. If you can’t regularly attend clubs - go to ‘one off’ events like retreats, conferences, festivals or events. Join places where you do not have to attend each time - like renovating a windmill or walking clubs - where they are pleased to have even a small amount of your time.
I don’t know very much about you - not even your age or gender - so it is difficult to be more helpful and I might be way off the mark. However, I will reflect back my thoughts reading your letter as it might provide an insight. Under the surface, you sound quite angry. You also sound quite defensive and anxious. (Would you really lose your job for dating someone with whom you worked?) Any thoughts on why this should be? Do you keep people at arms length? If so, what are you frightened might happen?Has a former lover let you down badly?
Finally, everybody I have met who has ‘high standard’ and will only date incredibly attractive people - sometime out of their league - is that it is a form of defense. It stops them getting hurt deeply because it stops them getting properly involved. All this sounds quite deep….. and probably I’m entirely off the mark. But I offer it with an open hand and hope it’s taken in that manner. If any of this rings bells, you might like to explore some of the themes in one of the workshops that I run from time to time. See the button on the left for details of the next one.