Andrew G Marshall

If you have come back from your summer break emotionally exhausted and questioning the future of your relationship, rest assured: you will not be alone. A bad holiday with your supposed loved-ones is one of the main reasons why this is one of the second busiest time of the year for marital therapists. The number one time is Christmas. So why should two weeks away, with plenty of time to relax, be such a source of unhappiness?

Most people put the blame on too much time together, the stress of travel, too much sun and booze - however, I think the problem lies somewhere else. The holiday brochures promise romance, sun and plenty of lovemaking and we are determined to enjoy ourselves - after all, we’ve spent enough. So in order to ensure harmony away, we make an extra special effort to get on in the weeks leading up to the holiday. During July and August, the number of enquiries to RELATE drops off dramatically. Everybody is terrified of rocking the boat, so we paper on a smile and ignore all the niggles and issues that previously we might have tackled - or at least got annoyed about. This is the core of the problem.

Issues ignore do not go away. They just keep getting bigger and bigger - until one little thing makes you explode. It is all made worse because both of you have been pining your hopes on the romantic holiday solving your problems. (But how can ignoring problems ever solve them?) There is one final ingredient that makes post-holidays such a dangerous time for relationships. We imagine that if our relationship cannot thrive under the best circumstances - plenty of time, properly rested and beautiful surroundings - then what hope is there? Sadly, many couples throw in the beach towel. However, I don’t think holidays are a good test of a relationship’s health. What counts is how well the two of you get on a daily basis - not under extraordinary circumstances.

So what can be done?

1. Don’t panic or make snap judgements.

2. Accept that there is a problem and make a commitment to make changes - rather than just try harder.

3. Look into getting help. There is a variety of people who will help you change. Look at details of your nearest RELATE office or look for couple counselling. Read my book - which has many useful exercises to help you communicate better. Alternatively, if you live in the UK, consider my one day course on 10th October in London. (See the WORKSHOP button on the left of this page).

4. Be reassured. Ultimately, it often takes only one small change to start off a virtuous circle where one positive builds on another until your relationship is completely transformed. So although it might seem like you have a mountain to climb, it is easier than you imagine. All you just have to do is take the first step.

Good luck and happy climbing.