Ask Andrew 158
Andrew,
My wife has told me ILYB; she now wants to divorce, but repeatedly tells me she wants to ‘stay friends’ and has been wavering over signing the solicitors papers.
I also now know that she has an infatuation with another married man, but this seems to have developed since she told me, and feels more like a daydream fantasy; part of her efforts to move on; build an independent life than the start of a serious new relationship.
I have done my best to ‘show independence’ on the ‘seesaw’, but whilst she’s in limerance elsewhere, my efforts to give her space seem to be welcomed for different reasons; there no sign of her ‘showing togetherness’ from her end.
If I demonstrate any affection to her I’m cut dead, though she comes to me for support or a hug almost daily – it’s a mirror of your Guilt Trap case study ..
Andrew writes:
This is a really tough one and it sounds like you are doing really well to hang in there.
So let’s take this nice and slowly. First, concentrate on getting through the next few weeks and months (See Coping Day to Day) and put off any long-term decisions. When you’re in crisis – it’s not in a good place to make long-term decisions. So I would put the solicitors papers to one side for the time being. You don’t need to add the stress of a ticking clock.
What about your wife wanting to be friends, asking for the support of a daily hug but cutting you dead when you need a bit of TLC yourself? I think you need to level with her about just how painful this can be. So the conversation would go something like this: I really care about you, I want to save this marriage but I’m really hurt when you……
She needs to put her emotional cards on the label too. This will probably involve her talking about this other man and you hearing a lot of painful stuff. However, I doubt it will be worse than your imagination.
Obviously, I do not have a crystal ball but all the signs are that your wife wants to explore the larger world outside your marriage. (At least, she has had the courage to be honest with you rather than having an exploratory affair behind your back.) Although I doubt this relationship with this other man will go far (as he’s married and not really available) your wife does seems hell bent on finding out if the grass is greener on the other side. How do you feel about that?
So what should you react? Firstly, you need to have a long cool look at whether you want this relationship or not. Sometimes when we are trying to save something, we only see the good things (after all our partner is always reminding us of all the problems and we need to balance it out). There are two problems with this strategy, it makes our partner think we are not interested in change (and only want the broken past) and it makes us idolise the past (and want the relationship no matter how flawed). So think about what changes would be needed for you to stay. How would things need to be different? What changes do both of you need to make? Throw these into your discussion with your wife. She will no longer have to hold all the ‘its terrible’ cards and finally give your marriage a more balanced look. She will also know that you are up for change too. Finally, if she is not up saving it – you will be able to mourn a real relationship rather than an ‘ideal’ one. This will make your recovery easier.
Let me know what happens.
