Ask Andrew – 193
The first time I discovered my husband cheated on me was 4 years ago. I gave him one more chance and stayed with him. A few weeks ago, I discovered that he cheated on me again for the past 2 years, more than once. So can I ever trust him again? Is it the best thing for me is to walk away from him?
Andrew writes:
It is harder to forgive a second time and you should certainly be more sceptical of his promises to change. However, I would counsel not rushing into making a decision too quickly. Firstly, it is always a good idea to reflect on any major decision. Secondly, it is important to understand why your husband was unfaithful and what kind of affair he had. I outline in my book eight different kinds. These range from Don Juan (serial adulterers) through to a ‘Cry for help’ (these people almost want to be found out, so their ‘problems’ are taken seriously). Although infidelity is painful whatever the circumstances, knowing the type means that you do not down play the seriousness of the affair – in the hope that this will minimise the damage to your relationship – or just as bad, overreact, panic and make bad choices.
I would also think back to the aftermath of his first affair, did you and your husband fully investigate what happened and why. What did you learn from the experience? What changes did you make? If he simply promised not to do it again and you threatened to walk if he did….. all the underlying problems will have remained the same and he would be ripe for the second affair.
If this time round, he is prepared to really work at your marriage – read my book, discuss the issues arising and possibly get professional help – I would give it a go. If he’s defensive, dismissive, refuses to talk about what happened and just blames you, there is less room for manoeuvre.
