Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
It is nice to write to you this time with hope.
My partner and I have started to see a therapist - in which it came out that we both needed some space so we’ve decided to move apart in the coming months. We are going to stay in our relationship - simply take a step back and “date” each other again.
We discovered we both moved very quickly into our relationship (no break between partners) and now just want to take some time out to get some space and rediscover each other and ourselves again.
As you mentioned in the book we have set a time frame and have agreed a month when we can reopen the idea of us moving back together.
What I wanted to ask you is that since the news the new blossoms you mention in your book are coming out - we suddenly “feel” different to each other. We both see a light at the end of the tunnel again.
Our places are not going to be ready for another 2-3 months, so in the meantime I don’t want to cause the new buds of love to die again.
We struggle with loving attachment, are there any more tips that you have to build this stronger for us and keep us going good until we get the chance to move out.
Also, I know my issue is that I tend to cling and suffocate. I am scared that by seeing such positive changes I will once again fall into old shoes. But, I am being very careful with my reactions.
Once again, thank you for your help. I think for me, your book has helped me through the last few months and also to help accept the process we are going through in therapy. I now see the negative things said as positives because it is a chance for us to finally clean the closet.
Andrew writes:
I’m really glad that you and your partner have turned a corner and that you’re feeling much more positive again. Thanks for letting me know your progress and congratulations on your new outlook.
So what do I suggest next for helping along your new buds? Firstly, relax and enjoy the improvements. Secondly, if you have a tendency to cling, I would look at my second book: The Single Trap: The two-step guide to escaping it and finding lasting love.
Every relationship needs two things: closeness and distance. Without the first, there is no relationship. Without the second, we get swallowed up and lose our personal identity. In an ideal world, each partner is responsible for both halves. However, sometimes people get polarised into campaigning for just one end of the spectrum. In chapter three of the Single Trap, I cover being comfortable with commitment and why some couples fall into a complicated dance where one partner blows hot and cold about the relationship (so when there is a bit of distance he or she pursues ie blows hot) but if things get too serious will retreat (and blow cold). This partner is therefore responsible for all the distance. Meanwhile, the other partner holds all the commitment - and is forever frightened of being left, so will put up with all the coming and going. This partner is responsible for all the closeness.
At the moment, it sounds like you are in a good part of the dance. You feel there is enough closeness and he feels there is enough distance (so he can be himself). Don’t worry, though, recognising the pattern is an important ingredient for changing. There is more advice and explanation of how to break free in the book. The first half of the Single Trap is also full of other advice on ‘Working on Yourself’ and how to improve your relationship by becoming more balanced.
I’m sorry it is not published in Dutch yet but, from your letter, I assume that you will able to be cope with reading it in English.
Good luck