Ask Andrew – 195
Andrew,
My wife is suffering from depression and we have recently been recovering from her having an emotional affair. While things felt like they were getting much better (she was loving and promising to always be together), at the end of last week it was like switch flicked and she started talking about me moving out again and seemed suddenly very depressed (like she was before going on medication). She is now distant and relatively cold toward me again (like being back at the start). She said that she must have been pretending over the past few months and that she wants to feel passion and love towards me but only feels like I am a best friend now (I love you but…). She also mentioned feeling suicidal a few times recently.
My questions:
Is this her depression tainting everything and what can cause such a sudden lapse?
How should I deal with the situation (I have talked her into seeing a Psychiatrist again and am going to start marriage counselling)?
Many, many thanks in advance.
Andrew writes:
Depression is very debilitating and can certainly taint everything. If your wife is feeling suicidal, I think is important that she gets help and therefore I’m relieved that she is seeing her psychiatrist again. The second part of your question is about what could cause this relapse. I’m afraid that I’m not an expert on depression, so I find it hard to answer. However, I do know that recovery from an affair – for both parties – is never straight forward and it is easy to relapse backwards. Sometimes, it is seeing the affair partner again or even something as slight as a TV show can bring everything flooding back. However, recovery back to where you were before is quicker the second, third or even fourth time around.
So how should you deal with this situation? Be prepared for a bumpy ride. Depression is often about suppression – trying to push down difficult or unpleasant feelings. The ‘I love you but…’ and being best friends rather than lovers is also about suppressing arguments and keeping everything nice on the surface. (If you haven’t read my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you‘ there is more on dealing with this problem). I also find that the partner without depression holds back, for fear of upsetting their partner and provoking another bout of depression.
However, to make progress with ILYB and recovering from an affair, you need to get all the issues up to the surface and begin to resolve some of the long-term problems. This is where the bumpy ride comes in. The coming months will be hard but once everything is out in the open, it can finally be faced and sorted.
If you read my new book, How can I ever trust you again, I talk about affairs (and I include emotional affairs) as being a combination of danger and opportunity. The danger part is all to obvious. However, the opportunity is that affairs prompt a lot of soul searching and the drive to sort out problems. Amazing as it will seem at the moment, couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair arrive in the most distress in my counselling office but leave the happiest (because they have worked harder and looked deeper than non infidelity couples). You are at the beginning of a journey but with courage and determination, it can have a happy ending.
