Andrew G Marshall

Christmas should be the most romantic time of the year. With present giving, parties and time off together, there are endless opportunities to be loving but all too often couples find themselves rowing rather than kissing under the mistletoe. Sadly, the mix of booze, relatives and overheated houses turns even the happiest couple into grumps. For marital therapists, like myself, January is the busiest time of the year as couples try to put right the damage done by Christmas. The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships - the internationally renowned psychotherapy service - records an almost sixty per cent rise in enquiries. However, it doesn’t have to be like this. Here are simple changes that will not only ensure a loving Christmas but improve your relationship in the year ahead too.

1. Accept change. Many people have a fixed picture of Christmas with traditions stretching back years. But clinging onto the past is stressful, especially as we can’t stop our children growing out of Santa, our brother getting divorced and family dynamics changing. So make a deliberate decision to bring something new into this year’s celebrations.

2. Take turns to make the big decisions. With competing in-laws and different family traditions, it is not always possible to compromise. So take it in turns with your partner to be in charge. One year he chooses, for example, to holiday abroad and the next you choose to visit your family. This trick can also work with one partner deciding about Christmas and the other taking responsibility for New Year.

3. Anticipate potential rows before they happen. In the same way that shopping at the last minute raises stress levels, delaying talking about issues makes things worse. Whether it is your partner’s drunken boss or his mother’s annual inspection, sorry visit, talk about issues in advance. Just getting your fears will help get everything into proportion. Better still, your partner might have similar concerns and you can work out a joint strategy. So he does not think you are ‘getting at him’ you should ask about his worries too.

4. Be generous about each other’s office Christmas celebrations. The hottest issues in counselling, both before and after the party season, are jealousy and bad behaviour at parties. Instead of trying to convince your partner that your view is right, really listen and understand his. When he’s finished, ask further questions to be sure you’ve understood. If you give him the compliment of being truly heard, he is likely to offer the same in return.

5. Agree a budget for presents in advance. This will help unhook the idea that an expensive present equals a lot of love and avoid a nasty shock on the credit card in the New Year. If you and your partner find it hard to agree on spending priorities make two sets of cards with each of the possibilities. For example: presents, food, booze, entertaining, children, family trips. Separately, put the cards in order of priority, afterwards talk through your choices and how best to compromise.

6. Accept your differences. Everybody has a different idea of how to spend the holiday. These are often formed by how we spent Christmas as a kid and are so deeply ingrained they can become part of our identity. To understand your partner better, ask for his best Christmas ever and then his worst. Afterwards share your own happy and unhappy memories.

7. Deal with issues as they come up. You want Christmas to be perfect, so when your partner does something irritating, you let it go. This strategy can work in the short term but pretty soon you will feel resentful. Finally, when your partner still hasn’t mended the Christmas tree lights you snap, he retaliates and accuses you of getting everything out of proportion. Instead, tackle each small pinch at the time rather than cashing them in for a nasty crunch.

8. Praise what you like rather than criticise what you don’t. Although it might be tempting to complain: ‘at last you’ve got out of the chair and done something useful’ - you will get more out of him with ‘thanks for helping, that was really appreciated, could I ask you do something else.’ Other small rewards to motivate him include a kiss, a smile, a compliment, or popping a tasty Christmas titbit in his mouth.

9. Each person is responsible for their side of the family. Although we feel fully justified in criticising our father for making sexist jokes at the lunch table or our grandmother for drinking too much - we do not always extend the same courtesy to our partner. If something needs to be said, it is best coming from family.

10. Dispute negative thoughts. When you’re tired it is easy to get stuck in a destructive rut. For example, you open the Christmas chocolate selection and eat half the box, pretty soon you’re calling yourself a pig and all your plans for healthy eating are ruined. In a bad mood, you turn snappy and everybody in the family suffers. However, just because the thoughts came from your head does not make them true. If someone else called you a pig, you’d fight back. So question each beliefs masquerading as facts. Eating chocolate does not make you a pig. One slip is not the end of your healthy Christmas.

11. There are five languages of love. It’s not just present giving but caring actions, appreciative words, affectionate physical contact (by this I mean cuddling and stroking, not just sex) and creating quality time together. Under stress at Christmas, we can revert into expressing our love in just one way. If your partner looks fed up, try one of the languages that you seldom use as it might turn out to be his favourite.

12. Spread the load. A recent poll has found that the most stressful part of Christmas - for women - is not what her partner’s mother will say about the food, but her own mother’s verdict. To reduce anxiety, and the likelihood of snapping at people, ask other members of the family to bring their culinary specialities. Remember, it is always better to ask your partner for help than play the martyr and hope he will notice.

13. Avoid the ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘ever’, trap. These are three words that are guaranteed to turn a family discussion into a fight. This is because when one partner says ‘you never support me’ the other will immediately think of the thousand times that they have been supportive. Behind these complaints is often a cry for help. So instead of a row ask directly for what you want. But still watch how you phrase your request. ‘Could you…., for example, pick up the turkey from the butchers,’ invites him to think ‘yes, of course I could but have I got time.’ While, ‘would you’ prompts a straight yes or no.

14. It’s not the end of the world. The perfect Christmas scarcely every happens beyond in TV adverts, Hollywood films and our fondest dreams. If you have realistic expectations of the holiday and accept that even the happiest families row - any disagreement will seem less depressing. In fact arguing and making up again is the most intense form of bonding you can have - so why not at Christmas?

15. Be honest and say no: Avoid becoming overloaded by not taking on too much in the first place. Sounds wonderful, but how do you do it without feeling guilty? The best strategy is to buy thinking time: “I’ll have to check my schedule and get back to you.” When you’re afraid of hurting feelings, try the ABC of saying no. Address: ‘I know you’re rushed off your feet’. Bridge: ‘but’. Communicate: ‘I have to finish the children’s nativity costumes’.

16. Make time for the two of you. The traditional picture of Christmas is families and catching up with old friends. Is it any wonder that we pack our the holiday so tightly there is no time to unwind together? Whether it is sharing a long soak in the bath or just going for a walk together remember to balance family and couple time.

17. Plan a reward after Christmas. The post-festive period can seem very flat and couples can get on each other’s nerves. So makes plans for something interesting - like a visit to the ballet, a rock concert or a sporting event - so everybody has something to anticipate. After all your hard work, you have deserved it.

18. Become an optimist. Optimists enjoy themselves more because if something goes wrong - like the pudding does not light - they think it is just as isolated incident. Pessimists expect everything to go wrong and think it is all their fault.

19. Give yourself a pat on the back. Remember that your family values you for who you are, not what you have achieved.

20. Laugh. If all of the above fail, laughter will save the day. Most mishaps can become the funny stories for future Christmases.