Woman’s Hour Debate on Infidelity
Thank you to everyone who has supportive comments after I took part in a debate on BBC Radio 4 today (6th January 2010) with Yasmina Alibhai-Brown. Here is a selection:
You were drowned out and not given the opportunity to put across what is such an important point that recovery from affairs is possible and couples can start again once all the issues that caused the affair are cleared away, a rebuild IS possible , I am living proof.
That poor woman needs to read your books. I say ‘Get over yourself sister.’
If you were the therapist on Woman’s Hour you were misunderstood. Both Jenny and Yasmin could not hear you because of their own loss and grief I believe. You were very clear that ‘both’ partners had to work through this not just one and clearly in Yasmin’s case she did the work but alone…….
Thank you for your thoughtful comments and acknowledgement of pain. Sorry you weren’t ‘heard’.
Just heard you on Woman’s Hour. It seemed too short and I didn’t feel you had time to get your point across but well done anyhow. I am about 14 months in the recovery process of finding out about my husband’s infidelity and I can’t agree with you more. It is only through work and lots and lots of honest conversations that we have been able to rebuild and actually create a whole new relationship. I appreciate your honest words.
The programme really seems to have touched a nerve. It is really easy to be cynical about infidelity but where does that get us? It is possible to come back from an affair with a better and stronger relationship. Thanks to everyone who has sent messages and made me feel that I’m not banging my head against a brick wall.
Woman’s Hour also promoted this interesting story from ‘Angel’ which underlines the importance of understanding the underlying problems that spark infidelity, the role of persistence and how you can win through in the end.
Infidelity has occurred in my own marriage and the marriages of my two sons.
I am still married, 38 years now, and it is 28 years since the incident happened. The relationship my husband had, he has always denied until now even during counselling together .The trigger of that door opening has been my youngest sons affair .This has now opened up a recurring reflection of the male line in my husband’s fathers family, and what was occurring in my husband’s family home during his childhood and after I met him ,which both my sons were witness to also. I researched my husband’s family line a few years ago when he began to have severe anxiety and panic problems. It all begins to piece together. The same patterns and influences. A recurring pattern of seeing oneself as a failure coupled with torturing oneself emotionally, along with strong influences from the mothers recurring affairs as answers to life’s problems. All these sub conscious programmes cause the person to attract a situation, so the failure or torture element as in my husband’s inheritance, can be activated and satisfied.
I didn’t leave my marriage, even though I knew the truth and he denied it. I somehow knew that one day it would all be shown to be what it really is, and now proves that.
I strongly feel that when infidelity occurs, it is essential not to close the door. First and foremost truth openness and honesty from both sides has to happen and a chance for both sides to voice from the heart, within a neutral setting such as relate counselling.
Issues above and beyond the affair can eventually be seen. Of course at the moment of the affair beginning the guilty party has a conscious choice, yes. But what if the sub conscious contains genetic memory and programming so strong that any other warning signals are not consciously activated. then it is only after the act, that the guilty partner sees the error of his /her ways.
In my case, my husband’s recent help in the form of counselling and hypnotherapy has revealed the genetic memory and the sub conscious programming that does explain why he acted that way, why he denied it all and why he has had such anxiety and panic problems which are a result of all that has been stored and turned into a total negative outlook. This in itself untreated, would eventually turn to Alzheimers or Dementia.
So, what did I do at the time? I booked Relate counselling which we both attended, I did a lot of screaming and shouting due to him denying the whole thing, which incidentally was brought to my attention by other people. I then put two and two together the phone calls, the going out to help her etc. I confronted the lady concerned and told her strongly that she was not going to ruin my marriage, and to keep away from him. She did and promptly went off and started another affair with someone else’s husband.
I now know that my husband denying it had so many other issues attached to it from his family programming both genetic and subconscious from his upbringing
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We are now nearing our 60’s and we are looking forwards together.
Now I am helping our sons to piece their lives and relationships together. It is through my experiences and what has been revealed through my husband’s therapy that they can be helped and the male genetic faults from the male line in my husband’s family can be changed and the chain broken so that future generations do not suffer in this way and no more relationships are broken or tested to their limits.
In closing the door straight away, in not questioning, in just giving up without looking at the bigger picture, many relationships just cease to be, when there is so much love beneath the layers.
Of course its hard work, of course it’s painful. But understanding it all, gaining knowledge and educating yourself so you can see why, is all healing.
It just takes some effort and of course love. Did he ever have another relationship with anyone , No !
