Ask Andrew – 214
Dear Andrew,
I just don’t know what to do. We have been married for 20 years this year, we haven’t enjoyed our marriage for many of them although I believe we are right for each other.
My wife came home nearly 3 years ago and said she’d had enough and wanted me to go with no further discussion. I managed to get her to agree to go to Relate and just before Christmas after 6 months of counselling, we agreed we would stay together. By the following May I was sure she was having an affair and started to look at her phone and computer. I found a beautiful and explicit text to another man. This led to me confronting her and she declared it had been going on for about 18 months, all through the time we were at Relate, through holidays and my 40th birthday but she never admitted to it when I asked if there was someone else. She also admitted there had been a 2nd man she went to when she was away with work over night.
Despite our best efforts, I feel that on a very basic level she just doesn’t care for me and isn’t interested in making any effort even though we do want to stay together. She doen’t seem to appreciate how hurt I have been by what she has done, even though I tell her, and that, if someone is really sorry, they might have to make huge efforts to work at rebuilding the relationship. I don’t have a lot of trust for her actions, she says she’ll try and then doesn’t do anything and resents being reminded that we should be doing something positive.
Please, give me some things to try, anything. I feel like she will make efforts with a new partner, but not with me. I just don’t know what to do and can’t go on like this.
Thanks for your time
Mike
Andrew writes:
It is horrible to discover that your partner has been cheating, doubly horrible when you thought you were working on saving your marriage. Throw in, all the money you have spent on Relate and she lied through all of that! No wonder, you’re angry and want her to show more commitment today. Unfortunately, she is confused, probably angry too and doesn’t know which way to turn. So the two of you are stuck, making each other miserable and going round and round in circles.
Underneath your letter, there seems to be some unspoken questions: Am I wasting my time? If I try and save this relationship will I get hurt again? Can I cope with another round of rejection? So I will start by addressing those questions and then dealing with the specific issues raised by your plight.
I believe it is never a waste of time to try and save a relationship. Especially when there are children and happy years together to fall back onto. Whether you move forward alone or together, the seven stages are exactly the same. So no work is wasted.
At the moment, you are at Stage Two: Intense Questioning. You need to find out not just what happened but why your wife was so unhappy that she lied so consistently. Try asking her about her feelings at the time and what she felt was wrong. Don’t interrupt to defend yourself or to reassure her that everything will be fine. Just listen. Ask questions. Keep her talking till you understand what went wrong. At the moment, I don’t think you know what you’re up against. When you do…. you’ll have a better idea how to move forward and be better placed to make an informed choice.
It also feels like you are waiting for a sign from her – so you know that you stand a chance – and then you’ll start fighting. Unfortunately, life seldom comes with guarantees like this – and any way she will be frightened of leading you again. So be brave. Imagine that she has said that she loves you and wants to make a go of it. How would you act? What would you do? Start acting as if she had and pretty soon, she will start responding positively. However if you act like she doesn’t love you and is just waiting to dump you, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This course of action will take bravery but it is always better to be hurt fighting for something that you believe in – than to slink away without having done what you know in your heart makes sense.
