Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
I wrote to you just before Christmas 2008, Q no 109, and thank you again for your really helpful response… My husband, then 47, had ‘fallen in love’ (at a distance) with a colleague who was almost oblivious to his feelings. He went on to buy a flat which we can barely afford and moved out, in the certainty that his future was assured, and as you predicted absolutely nothing, not even a kiss, came of the imaginary relationship. Again as you predicted, he then spent the summer looking for what he had not got-and had a relationship with a professional colleague in another city. He got in too deep with her and broke it off in the autumn 2009, and although I did not press matters at all in any way, I began to have some hope.
However a few days ago he revealed that as part of a new year start because he was lonely, he had activated an internet dating account, admitting that he had been considering the idea for some months, as I had kind of suspected. (Ironically as he is tall, dark and genuinely handsome if a bit shy, he knows he has no problem attracting women, and he is usually well-liked by everyone)
Anyway, throughout the year he has been visiting me and our daughters (now 12 and 14) every second weekend or usually more frequently, staying over 2-3 nights in the spare bedroom and phones nightly when (perhaps to reassure our daughters or to avoid upsetting me) he always talks to me too and we all spent a few days at Christmas with his parents…
He and I have a lot to talk about in the sense of books, films, gossip and other mutual interests, and we have interesting conversations, and lots of laughs, but stay off of ‘the future’, and we always give each other a kiss and hug goodnight. I certainly have to have this affection-connection, because if it wasn’t there, my feelings would soon turn to total resentment and hate…
Having read your advice to me and to others on this site I know that he has to have time to get over his ‘true love’, and the depression that emerged or was revealed after it ‘ended’. But around the time of the split last year, he told me that he ‘doesn’t ever want to have sex with me again’, that I ‘wasn’t as ambitious as him and that’s why he was disappointed in me’, that I had ‘stopped wearing the interesting clothes that he had once admired’, that ‘he didn’t want to go back to being my husband’, and these were the only reasons he could give for not loving me.
He and I have both read ILYBINILWY and The Single Trap, which he has studied more than I have. Having attended a 3 day existential therapy personal development course [fyi Andrew, it was Landmark] he now admits that the thing about the ambition was an excuse that he just made up to ‘tell himself’, as I kind of knew. He then astonished the friend who had recommended the course by saying in my presence that he realised that he had shown less than 100% commitment to ’his job’ (!) Yesterday when I was crying and expressing my worry, sadness and anger about him dating other women, he said that he didn’t want to be single, but he can’t offer me ‘anything other than friendship’.
You advised me to get counselling for myself, as I did, but in fact a good thing happened and 8 months ago I at last got back into my own profession which is creative and interesting, and I am happy in work for the first time in ten years. Thanks to the new job-and because I was insulted, of course - I was even motivated to acquire a new wardrobe. I no longer have any cause to moan boringly about work, and in public am pretty much the happy and feisty person I was when we met 23 years ago, except for being lovelorn, sad and angry when alone.
I now work in the same city as him, but our home is fifty miles away. (Our friends are elsewhere, back in the city where we first met). Now obviously seems the time when we could really try and get our marriage back together, which I have NOT suggested. However because I was upset about the dating site, he still accused me yesterday of having a ‘fantasy’ that he would ‘come back’. I was angry and pointed out that it was simply a hope, which I was entitled to have, and he shouldn’t belittle it as a ‘fantasy’. He later agreed, and said that he just didn’t like feeling under pressure to do anything. He also says his mother’s attempts to get him to rethink the split just show her ‘old school’ attitudes.
I have a strong feeling that I should be really angry with him and have nothing more to do with him. However the girls (and I) really enjoy his company and I know that you advise that parents should be together with their kids whenever possible. I also feel strongly that it is important to keep some kind of ‘home’ stable for them as they enter teenage. And I know that our good relationship will be a serious impediment for any new girlfriend, so there’s my revenge… Or am I just using this as an excuse to do nothing? Sometimes I feel so humiliated, Andrew and I just don’t know what to do. My/our friends admire my generosity, and say ‘hang on in there’.
The upside is that I am happier than I was last year. The almost worst thing ever has happened, and I lived, but I feel so trapped and taken for granted. Yet on the other hand I am sure as I can be that if we went on a few ‘dates’ with ‘no strings attached’ (as they say on the internet), we could really enjoy each others company and we could find our relationship again.
Or is this a fantasy?
Thank you again
Andrew writes:
First of all, I was really pleased to hear about your progress over the past year. You should really congratulate yourself for emerging out the other end a stronger and happier person. I think it is a real credit to you that when your husband threw all that negativity - about clothes and lack of ambition - that you did not rise to the bait and realised it was probably projection (His inability to deal with his own negative feelings that he had parcelled off and given to you - more info in the Single Trap) Although your husband has had his moments, he has to be congratulated for going the extra mile with your daughters and being such a reliable presence in their lives.
All this good will can be built on, but before talking about how…… I want to talk about your anger and resentment. This is normal - given the circumstances - and I think this new bout of anger (about the dating site) is probably your unconscious telling you something. However, I wonder how aware he is of this anger? Is it a wall between you and him - which is making it harder for him to reach out for fear of it all coming tumbling down? Or is it something that you’ve basically kept to yourself? The only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. Start by reporting your anger and then asking about it: ‘I’ve been really angry at times over the past year and I wondered how it has effected you?’ Keep asking questions and listening - not justifying - until you have a pretty good idea where he stands on this issue. (I would also read How can I ever trust you again? to understand the healing process after betrayal)
Assuming that he’s aware of your anger, considers much of it justified and it is not a potential barrier to healing your relationship….. I think that you should definitely try to reclaim your relationship. I say this for three reasons 1) You have a very good chance of success 2) It is better to try and fail than to give up without a fight 3) Even if things don’t work out, trying to reconcile will help the healing process.
Start by writing down your dream. Imagine that you have a magic wand under the stairs, take it out and make a wish. What would it be? Remember this is a magic wand and you have anything. One client recently wrote: I want him to love me like I love him. (It is amazing how many people find it hard to even say what they want, this was the second attempt from my client, or start crying when I write their wish up on a flip chart in my office) Writing it down makes your goal more real.
Next,you have to commit to making the wish come true. So many people fight for their goal with one hand but hold back with the other (scared that they might get hurt again). This not only sends mixed messages to the other person but reduces your fire power considerably. A lot of people fear making themselves look stupid or being rejected but ask yourself…. what’s the worst that could happen? Imagine it. I’m sure you can cope with it - you’ve survived far worse last year. So if there’s ultimately nothing to fear….. commit to your dream.
How do you approach your husband? I think you should tell him that you are lonely too. (It is always good to draw attention to the similarities in your situation). Don’t talk about the ‘future’ - which is always a scary project - but rather about going to some interesting event that you’d both enjoy - like an exhibition, play, concert or movie. (It helps to have plenty of distraction and topics of conversation beyond the two of you). When he worries about ‘leading you on’ or ‘hurting you again’ - tell him you’re an adult and responsible for making your own choices and your own emotions. You’re not a little girl who has been promised a pony! If he says, ‘I don’t know if I can have sex with you again’, tell him you’re only going to the movies! If he’s worried that you’ll spoil your friendship, tell him you might be upset and even angry in the short term but nothing will stop you being the best parents possible to your children
One ‘date’ leads to another and when he does bring up the subject of the future, present the situation in the light of how far you’ve come - rather than how far you’ve got to go. Partly because this is the truth - the hard part has been done, it’s now just about getting over the final hump - but because it makes us less frightened and more committed when we’ve seen what we’ve achieved and how far we’ve travelled. Also when a goal is close, we strive harder to reach it.
Finally, don’t analyse the date or worry if he’s enjoying it. Live in the moment and the future will take care of itself. So in a nutshell: go for it.