Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
Let me give you some background. I come from a divorced family, and my dad was never there for me. Meanwhile, since I was the youngest of 2 kids, I got babied, and got things handed to me. I never had to do chores at home, never had to clean up, never had to take out the trash, and more importantly, I never learned how to be a father, nor a husband. All I learned from my dad was to get an attitude when things didn’t go my way, how to argue, and to be a bu++hole!
I have been married nine years and I have never been a true father, nor husband. I never helped around the house, I never took care of my relationship with my wife. It took my wife emailing me a detailed email of the faults I have for me to realize what I needed to be, and what I should have been for the last 9 years.
I thought that just by being here I was a better father than my dad had been, and I neglected them, to play XBox, to go fishing, to do the things I loved, never putting my kids first. I was very selfish. I thought since she didn’t work, it was kind of her duty to do all of that. I made her feel like more of a maid than a wife.
I am now realizing how bad of a husband and father I have been and it has caused me pain the last few days. In the detailed email she sent, she told me this was my last chance to be the husband and father she knew I could be. So I have now stepped up and started working on becoming that person. I am busting my *** taking care of work, the kids, her, the house and anything else I can do to take some of the load off her.
Since that email she has told me that she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore, and while she is willing to try to recover our marriage, she cannot give me a time-frame. I told her I was not expecing a time frame, but at least sufficient time to show her that I am sorry, and show her that I will be the husband and father she knows I can be.
Neither of us have the money to leave, and she doesn’t work, so she deals with the children every day. I see it as we need each other just to get through life, and I definitely want to make this work. She also said she wants to find herself, figure out who she is. I did tell her that she is the most incredible mom and husband I have ever seen. She has asked for space, and I am giving her as much as possible.
Andrew writes:
It is a brave stand, to say the bu++hole behaviour stops here. I will not pass on the bad example to my children but instead show them what being a good dad means. Not everybody would have been able to hear your wife’s message, so you should congratulate yourself. Well done. I think it would also be a good idea to make peace with your Dad too. I bet he had bad fathering from his Dad too, ask him about it. Talk about your disappointments and how you’d like to have a better relationship with him. (More advice on how to do this in Chapter Two of The Single Trap). Forgiving him will help your journey to forgive yourself.
You should also read my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ as this will explain how love drains out of a relationship - and it’s not just lack of chores. You need to improve your general communication (although you have made a giant leap forward in recent weeks) learn how to resolve issues and generally have fun together.
Your wife will be nervous about telling you ’she loves you’ because she fears you’ll slip back into your old ways, if she lets you off the hook. Continue to give her space - don’t keep asking ‘do you love me’ as this reminds her of the problem - but support her desire to get back her own identity (beyond mum and wife). You can do this by providing child care if she wants to go off to colleague or volunteering and by showing an interest in her projects (asking questions and listening to her stories)
It is an exciting journey. You’ve taken the first step, all you need now is to keep moving forward. Good luck.