Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew,
I have just discovered and read your book, “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. This is a phrase which my husband said to me about 2 weeks ago which led me to your book. While your book is the closest I have found in discovering some insight/guide in our relationship problems it didn’t deal with the crux of our problem.
A little history. About 6 months ago my husband said he was unhappy with us. He wanted another child and had recently come more desperate with this need - to the point of medicated depression. We have 2 gorgeous children (aged 6 1/2 and 4). I definitely do not want more. Four or so years ago, when he broached wanting a second child he told me he would be happy with one more. Before conceiving I told him that one more is it. In fact, I told him if anything happened to the foetus that there would be no more. He agreed and was happy with this. He broached the subject of a third child about 2 years ago. I reminded him of our discussion prior to the second and he agreed. Ok, no more.
But, here we are, 2 years later, after unsatisfactory couples counselling, still arguing about the third child. This argument has affected our sex life and our entire relationship. He is now suggesting a trial separation, “to see if he can live without me or will it prove to him how much he loves and misses me”. I am less tolerant of this. I feel that if he wants to separate he wants out of this marriage to be able to look for a possible mother for his future children. And the nature of me…..my emotions will shut down even further making resolution near impossible.
So, My question to you is, have you dealt with the issue, where the husband wants more children while the wife does not? If so, what strategies did you employ? What was the outcome/s? Can you recommend any further reading on this issue? (there seems to be a lot about the female partner wanting more but not the male partner but it doesn’t seem quite relevant)
Thanks so much for the time you took to read this
Andrew writes:
I have counselled men who wanted more children (normally it is a second marriage for her and she already has children from a first marriage and one with him). However, in all cases, his desire for more children has been a ‘presenting problem’ - something that brings them into counselling but not the real driver of unhappiness. In effect, the baby is a tip of an iceberg.
If you were seeing me, I would be interested in his childhood. How many brothers and sisters did he have? Is there a number that feel right? I would wonder if he was the third child and therefore feels a special affinity to this unborn child. Whatever the family dynamics, I’d like to know what did have a baby mean in that household. What was good about it? I’d also want to ask the same questions to you. Why is two the ‘right’ number?
Next, I would be keen to get him to talk about his desires and explore what this baby means to him. My guess is that you get angry and either argue or close down the discussion. In this way, discussion seldom gets past ‘I want’ and ‘I don’t’. So let him talk. Ask questions. Hear him out. When you’ve heard him, he will listen to your fears and concerns. We think that closing down arguments (and holding back fears and desires) makes it easier to solve disputes but actually the more that is know, the easier it makes a compromise. When you understand his desires - and he understands yours - it might be possible to find a creative solution.
As for books, I’m working on a couple for 2010 but until then look at business books about decision making and how to find WIN/WIN solutions. Keep talking. Don’t shut down (as that will only put up a barrier and make you feel resentful and bitter). He is horribly unhappy and it’s about something deeper than not getting his own way. Become a good listener and find out why.