Andrew G Marshall

Dear Andrew,

I have been in the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life. I’m 26, my boyfriend is 25. We both have been in serous relationships before. To give you a little background- We have been together 1 1/2 years. We met on the train commuting into work. We didn’t have the normal relationship courtship. We were friends first on the train, but saw each-other everyday before and after work on the train, and on the weekends. When we met we were both already considering moving closer to work. We ended up moving to the same town. We live about 6 blocks from eachother.

Even with the dramatic change of moving, our relationship has been a happy & supportive of one another. We spend quality time together. Also no arguments, or even really disagreements (which I now know is not a good thing). If anything, when there was a difference in opinion we would just agree to disagree. But with that I also realize that we have yet to get into any deep conversations about any intimate part of our lives. We talk about work, personal goals, and a bit about family, but nothing deeper than that. He has admitted that he comes from a family were you don’t talk about feelings. A household where you never say “I Love You”, its just understood that they care for eachother. His mother is also very controlling and blunt.

So like I said, no arguments- until right around the holidays that just passed. We both were under a huge amount of stress at work and under financial stress. We got into an actual argument over Thanksgiving. He made a snap that his Mother would judge me for spending the holiday with their family and not my own family. But I had no where to go for the Holiday and then I felt like he was judging me (because truth be told my family is dysfunctional and I do my best totally separate myself from them). He apologized the next day, I went with his family, had a great time and everything was fine. As a side note I also feel terribly guilty because, as he has introduced me to his entire family but he has only met my brother a few short times, and never my Mother. Which is really the only family I have.

As far as I could tell we were normal after Thanksgiving again. His behavior towards me was fine, we went out with friends, and did the normal preparation for Christmas. But then his behavior changed closer to Christmas. He had invited me again for Christmas Day with his family, and because we had a falling out over Thanksgiving, I agreed, trying and avoid another argument. That entire week he was distant, didn’t call me as normal, and seemed very irritated when I was around him.

Two days after Christmas, I begged him to tell me what was wrong, and he said, “I feel like, I love you but I’m not in love with you and I’m trying to figure out where I missed a step. I am so dependent on you. You are my Joy, and when I am alone I am depressed.” I asked him if he was unhappy in the relationship and he said no. I asked, that this whole time, he said he loved me too, so was it all a lie- He said no. I asked him how long he had felt this way and he said only a few weeks. From what I could tell it didn’t seem like he wanted to break-up. Then during New Years he seemed yet again irritated. That’s when I discovered your book. I was looking for answers. Your book has been a hugh help to me. Its as if you know every emotion I have been going thought. The shock, depression, confusion etc.

I now see, after reading the majority of your book, some of the mistakes that were made. When we moved to another city, we lost our daily circle of friends. We became each others best friend. I especially see now, that I would cancel my plans to be with him, or go along with what he had planned with his friends. A mistake. We didn’t nurture our separate friendships and individual time. Another mistake. I also realized his personality is more of an introvert, and he enjoys throwing himself into activities and spending time alone, reading, etc. I mistook that for a form of rejection or that he didn’t care about me. Yet another mistake. We didn’t communicate about the tough stuff, like my family, and his hard time communicating period. I didn’t focus on myself, things I love doing, and my own social calendar. A final, big, mistake.

We are still together. And I have been reading your book on my own (I didn’t tell him about the book). It’s an amazing read. I took your advice from “If your relationship is in crisis mode”. I have made a conscious effort to go out on my own more, spend time with my own friends again, take care of myself, and look into my own interest. And give him space. I also took your advice to stop asking him “what’s wrong?” and “is everything ok”and “do you love me?”. I also took your advice to not cancel my plans if they were already set and tell him no; instead of changing my plans.

Since making these changes I have seen a change in him. Just as you write in your book, it seems to have sparked an interest. He has started to be more attentive, affectionate, and seem happier when we do spend time together. He even made me dinner, which has not happened in months. His actions seem to say “I love you”, but not his words. He has not brought up the ILYB conversation and neither have I. My fear is that we will slip back into our “perfect” relationship where we don’t communicate properly, keeping all conversations politically correct, and end up right back at ILYB. Now that I see where the mistakes were made I want time to correct them. I want to start “the right way to argue” so we don’t just push discontent aside. I also want to finally introduce him to my Mom. He knows this would be a big step for me, as I have a difficult relationship with her. But I’m not sure if this is the right time to do so.

It’s been four weeks since ILYB. My question is, what do I do next? I love him so much but am not sure if I should bring up the ILYB. Should I wait for him to bring it up? I’m especially concerned because he has a difficult time communicating period. Would an email be better? I realize this is a sensitive time, and I want to handle the relationship with care.

Thank you for your book, and I look forward to your advice.