Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
My husband had a 6 month affair which ended April last year. We made the decision to stay together and try to work things out. We have read many books and this has really helped. When he ended it, he was heartbroken, it was very difficult to stay with someone who was obviously in love with someone else, although he said he loved me also. 9 months on, we have moved house to get away from the area, we have a better relationship than we have had for a few years, we are more honest with each other, more intimate and are enjoying a new life together. He says he is 100% sure that he made the right decision to stay with me. We have been married 20 years. My husband is 56, I am 50. His affair partner was 39 with 2 young children. Once his feelings weren’t so raw he said he realized it would never have worked with them.
We talked a lot about why it happened, why we had let space between us for a 3rd person. My husband was depressed, feeling old, felt like life was over. She showed interest in him, boosted his ego, made him feel good about himself again. I stupidly ignored the signs, “he will snap out of it attitude”. I also had a problem starting to go through the menopause, I had a lot of pain and dryness during sex, which meant our sex life was really bad, and I didn’t address this. I have now and we have a very active sex life now.
So what’s the problem?
I still find it difficult to get her out of my head, I drive myself nuts thinking about him having sex with someone else, telling someone else he loved her. When it ended, she was very bitter to me and sent me emails detailing what they done together and telling me that this would eat away at me for the rest of my life, and I am afraid that that is what I am doing. Some days I am ok, and I never think about it other days I do nothing else but think about it.
We have just moved house to start fresh somewhere new and I want this to work more than anything, but I need to stop thinking about it. In your experience, how long does it take for the obsession to stop?
Ask Andrew
Congratulations on the huge progress that you and your husband have made. I am sure that your letter will come as a great inspiration for people who have just discovered an affair - and be proof that things will get better.
As for your problem getting her out of your head……. I find this kind of obsession tends to be down to one of the following reasons:
1. There are questions that you still want to ask. While trying to row away from disaster, all your energy is focused on recovery and you don’t want to bring up any negatives - so you suppress all those little worries and they bind together into a many headed monster. How do you deal with this? As the affair happened quite a while ago, your husband will be loath to go back over things. However, explain how these questions are torturing you TODAY and how asking these one or two questions will help. (There is more in my book in Chapter Five: Reconstructing the Affair in your Mind)
2. You have a tendency to over-think. There are also tips for closing down this sort of thinking.
3. Unexpressed resentments. Basically this happens when one partner feels they have shouldered the majority of the burden for getting the relationship onto an even keel again. If this rings true, report your feelings to your husband. (Once again there is advice on that in my book)
Finally, I wonder if you need to forgive the other woman to get her out of your head. This is very much last stage of the recovery journey (Chapter Seven). I have a case in the book where a wife wrote a letter to the other woman, she sent i,t but you don’t need to as this can possibly spark up old resentments. In the letter, she explained everything that she and her husband had learnt and how their marriage had improved. She also looked at why the woman needed the affair and how desperate and unhappy she must have been to think an affair would ’save’ her. With this understanding, my client was beginning to forgive - not just her husband but the other woman. I accept this is a big ask - and it was her idea - but it helped her and therefore I shared the story in the book for others to consider
How long does the recovery process take? In my experience about nine months, but that assumes that you have not become stuck along the journey - possibly at Stage Five (Attempted Normality). My feeling is that you’ve done the majority of stage six (Despair-Bodies Float to the Surface) and need just one more push to complete the journey.(Going through the first anniversary of discovery is also a big landmark event….. so that will be coming up soon…. and best to get everything sorted before then.)
I know you’ve read a lot of books…. but I think you need just one more: How can I ever trust you again? Good luck.