Ask Andrew
Hello
I have Been Reading your book ‘how can I ever trust you again?’ over
the last few weeks. In wife had a brief affair in November. The
sexual excitement was a big factor for her.
One thing I cannot get to grips with is the fact a simply cannot give
her the excitement of the freedom she felt. She was in a pub with this
man and they were drunk and just decided to go for it. She felt free
and powerful. This something that no long term relationship can
reproduce. We are living and sleeping together and in many ways it is
very nice but I am very conscious that I cannot give her that
liberating feeling back. Anything you can say to help appreciated.
Andrew writes:
Have you spoken to your wife about your fears? This sounds much more about your fears than her desires. I’d be surprised if she was hankering after meaningless ‘no strings’ sex because it’s normally much better as part of a long-term relationship. Although it might make you feel vulnerable, opening up and talking to her will bring the two of you closer and probably prompt pleasant surprise. (Your wife most probably regrets her experiment and does not want to repeat it.)
There are probably two important issues lurking under your question. Firstly, how to keep sex fresh and exciting in long-term relationships (which is my next book for 2012) and Secondly, how can we be personally fulfilled and part of a successful relationship.
Taking personal fulfilment, it is important for each partner to be able to share their hopes and aspirations. So that your wife wishes to return to college, take up water skiing or walk the Pennine Way, she has your support or active involvement. And visa versa. All too often, we censor our dreams for fear that our partner will be threatened or disapproving. However, going for these dreams and sharing the achievement and the interesting new people involved is part of what helps a relationship grow. Especially when love reaches the Collaborating Stage (See: I love you but I’m not in love with you)
Moving onto sex, in many ways its the same process. We get bored when we show less and less of ourselves to our partner and keep more and more of desires back (for fear of rejection or being considered odd) However if you share them, there’s often a way to keep both parties happy. If your wife wants freedom, what about parking in lovers lane and making love in the car or booking a cheap hotel. I’ve had couples where one will sit in the bar and the other arrives and pretends to pick them up. Your only limit is your imagination….. however, it means learning to talk to each other. The good news is that after an affair, you’ve probably done plenty of that and so it could be your task in the final phase (Intense Learning)