Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
Last year I found out by reading an email my husband of 32 years had been having an affair for over 4years. They met whilst he was travelling to start a job for a few weeks abroad, they met on a city tour bus when he says she came to sit with him, they spent the rest of the day together and she gave him her phone number, the following day he phoned her and 2 weeks later after a number of phone calls and emails they met up again in another city and spent the weekend in a hotel. He says he only did this because she asked him to phone her and that she wanted to meet up again she asked him to book a hotel which he did, he said he thought they may be making love so he bought Viagra as he was nervous. At the airport upon leaving they promised to keep in touch and he again phoned her the following day.
He says he realised he did not want to do this and doesn’t know why he did but that she forced him into making love and he never enjoyed it!!!
They kept in touch by email and phone and the following year they met again in Brazil where she lives and had a beach holiday, again he says he doesn’t know why he went he had no feelings for her and again she forced him into making love and he never enjoyed it.
Still keeping in touch they met again 2 years later and spent the weekend in Toronto and again he doesn’t why he went thousands of miles to be with someone he didn’t want to be with,and again she forced him etc.
When I found out by seeing an email he had sent telling her he couldn’t wait until they are together and he loved and missed her he told me he had only sent it because that is what he thought she wanted to hear. He said at first he had loved her for over 3 years and then changed it to he thought he loved her then he had never loved her and telling me he loved her was a mistake. He says he has never kissed, hugged or touched her in an affectionate way and that the love making was because she forced him and that he did what he had to to get it over and it was mechanical and he never enjoyed it once.
He says she was pushing to live together but he didn’t know what to do but now says that was a mistake as he never wanted to live with her and that he had always told her this. We went to Relate but the lady told me she didn’t think he will ever tell me the truth and suggested I leave him, he says it was because she didn’t like him.
He has always been a kind and loving husband with what I thought a strong moral belief. He is very hard working with a very confident strong nature. Now he wants us to try and put this all behind us make the marriage work (I always thought it did) I asked to be there when he finished the affair but the first time I left the house he says he phoned to finish it.
He insists he doesn’t know why he had the affair for over 4years although they only met up 3 times - ten days in all. He can’t explain why he would phone email and go to meet someone he did not want to. He says he was a reluctant party to the relationship and she was bossy pushy and demanding but only said this after our daughter-in-law said that Brazilian women can be bossy pushy and demanding. He seems to accept no responsibilty only he admits what he has done but can’t explain why.
I have sent for your book How can I Ever Trust you Again, I would apreciate your help I don’t know who to turn to our son refuses to speak with his father and will not have him in his life. Is there any hope?
Andrew writes:
Before I answer your letter, I have to comment about the RELATE counsellor that you saw. I find her behaviour quite extraordinary. It is not our job to tell our clients want to do - but to listen, help them explore the issues and consider the bigger picture. That she went onto confess that she didn’t like your husband - probably says more about her own issues / marriage than yours. But it was not only unprofessional but deeply damaging to bring her stuff into your counselling.
With that off my chest, I hope my book has helped you begin to get your head round what has happened. It must have been a horrible shock to discover the infidelity and worse still that your husband seems to have got so little pleasure out of it. In the book, there is a similar case history where the wife could not understand how her husband would keep cheating when he didn’t enjoy it.
When a partner can’t explain the causes of their infidelity, it can be doubly painful and make it seem impossible to move forward. After all, if you can’t get to the root causes - how can you stop it happening again. So let me try and shed some light on the situation:
1. Some men are not used to analysing their feelings. They just act and therefore find it hard to explain their actions in any circumstances. Does your husband fall into this category?
2. When the affair bubble has burst, and the Discovered looks back on what happened through cool detached eyes - his or her behaviour makes little sense even to him or her. The Discovered comes to the horrible conclusion that it all meant nothing.
3. The British, and in the particular middle class, don’t like to upset or let people down which means they can get into the strange situation of being expected to do something and are too embarrassed to say no. So they sort of go along with things. I know he has let you down, but in denial (see chapter one) he had divided you and the other woman into two separate worlds and his actions in one has no effect in the other.
4. He is frightened of saying too much, in case he drops himself even deeper into trouble.
The next issue is that he doesn’t seem to ‘accept any responsibility’ for what happened. This seems like a huge stumbling block to healing but let’s look at why he might be like this. As you will see in my book, poor communication is one of the ingredients that sparks an affair. As you are one half of the communication, you have to take some responsibility. Why was your husband unhappy? Why couldn’t he tell you? How come you didn’t hear him, if he did try to tell you? What I’m saying is that although he is responsible for the cheating, you are both responsible for the state of the marriage.
It is possible that your husband thinks he is being asked to shoulder all the blame (although I hate the idea of blame as it gets couples nowhere). When you are able to look at your part - reading the book will help - and accept your bits of this train crash situation, he will be more likely to take on his share.
At the moment, I see your marriage as a bit like the problems in Northern Ireland (before the Good Friday Agreement). There are two sides - both deeply unhappy and angry but unable to put aside their problems for long enough to start really talking. However, if like the politicians in Ireland, you take-away any preconditions and start talking; a lot of the obstacles will melt away. Your husband wants to repair your marriage and that at the moment is enough. Share the book together. Talk. Slowly, when the pressure is off to explain, he will begin to open up. He will most probably accept he has been a fool (but he won’t when he feels attacked). He will probably even talk about his loneliness while working abroad, his feelings that life was passing him by and how he got his priorities all wrong (but only in his own time, not on demand).
So is there hope? Most definitely, start talking, act in good faith and you will probably not only save your marriage but get all the answers you need. Demand the answers, before entering the talks, and there will be only a huge barrier between you.