Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew
I have read your book ILYB in an attempt to heal our relationship before it gets to this point. My partner and I have different nationalities but have been together for 20 years. We met abroad, settled in the UK (his home country) and have survived many ups and downs, including an affair and a 2 year split, living in different countries for 4 years, and many many near break ups including a trial separation and a solo trip of 3 months. We are strangely proud to be together whilst so many of our friends seem to be breaking up and getting divorced.
We are generally very loving towards each other, although our sex life is virtually non-existent (despite much cuddlling and physical closeness). We are not married and have no children. We are both around 40 and both suffering from what I suspect is a midlife crisis. We both lost our job about a year ago and have been self-employed since with varying degrees of succes. We live in a open plan studio where we live and work with no room to ourselves. Apart from my worries about our relationship, I’m struggling with my start-up business which isn’t really getting off the ground, and my parter is generally feelling unfulfilled in life - again.
There is a recurring pattern in our relationship where my partner sinks into depression whenever he is without work (self-employed) and feelings of general unfulfilment take its toll. We have been at the brink of a break-up many times as a result of this, and about 7 years ago had a trial separation where he moved out for a month. Our last crisis was 3 years ago when after a period of unemployment my partner’s deep unhappiness drove me to accept to ‘let him go’ if that’s what was needed for him to find happiness. This was extremely painful but shortly afterwards he accepted a job that changed the dynamics so that he decided to stay and make it work. We’ve been getting along for most of the 3 years since, but I must admit we have not addressed the underlying issues. This is another pattern in our relationship, we avoid talking about our fears and differences at all cost. I fear we want very different things from life.
This is so threatening to us as we can’t bear the thought of having to leave each other because of this, it seems so unfair as we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We’d rather not talk about the future at all. At 40, this is becoming more and more difficult. One of the big questions is children (I don’t think I want children, he thinks he does) and where to live - inside the city (me) or outside (him). We love each other deeply but are both feeling stuck and paralised with fear at what might happen if we talked about it.
Andrew writes:
Thank you very much for your kind comments about ILYB, I’m glad it’s been useful.
I am struck by two things reading your letter, how important timing is in relationships. Research says that eighteen to two years is the crucial courtship period and that if people stay on hold for too long - without commitment - the relationship goes off the boil. I wonder if this has been part of your problems with your comings and goings? Somehow, you cannot be ’sure of each other’ enough to let down the barriers. I was also struck by how strong the bond must be between to survive separation, infidelity and living in different countries. There is something fundamentally good about this relationship - that be built on and turned round.
I was also impressed that you have self-diagnosed the importance of talking and some of your fears about being honest with each other. A lot of people - with different agendas - try and close down discussion because they are frightened that they more they know about each others needs and desires, the harder it is to reconcile them. Bizarrely, the opposite is true. Only when we have heard, understood and acknowledged each others desires can we begin to find similarities, accept differences and put aside things that we’d like but don’t need. In effect, instead of trying to WIN the argument about the future (where one person has to effectively lose) become a team of mutual enquiry into the future - in this way, you can look for WIN/WIN solutions that suit both of you.
So be brave, build on your bond and share what’s in your hearts. The truth about how you are both feeling will be nowhere near as frightening as what you imagine.