Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew,
I keep your book next to my bed I read it over and over the advice makes so much sense, and I’m trying to live by some of the helpful suggestions. My question is, sometimes I wonder if I’m doing all of it in vain, as sometimes it seems he’s coming back to me, through his affection caring attitude towards me - which is very on again off again. Some have pointed out this might just be his way of feeling less guilt about his decision to leave our relationship.
He still lives with us, he says he’s only staying because of our son. We have been married for 8 years, he’s 33 I’m 31, we have been inseperable for as long as I can remember, and I realized too late that he was changing into a different person, wanting more for himself than before, I didnt understand the change, and I was craving the time alone together which I so desperately needed - it’s my way of him showing me he loves me, which he did increasingly less and less over the past year as he invested more time in himself and his desires, which I never tried to put a stop to, but he saw my dissapointment in his having to travel frequently (even less time together) as me dissaproving of the life hes chosen to live….
Reading your book opened my eyes, in that I was probably trying to hold on too much. I have let go of that now, but I’m worried its too little too late. One day he’ll lean over and kiss me, and the next he’ll pull his hand away if I try to touch it. Its very confusing, and I find myself questioning every action I make. I know there is a fine line between showing them you still care, and seeming to try to keep them - this I find very difficult to balance also. How do I know when I’m using all this energy for no good reason, and that I should infact just let him go. He has assured me of my financial secureness, and that he will always stay involved with our son, and he wants to be friends and continue to hug. Does this sounds like anything youve heard before? He does seem to have changed from the man I knew, but he says he was suppressing his true personality to make me happy over the years…this is all so confusing.
One moment he’ll tell me he thinks its not working, and the next I’ll put my hand on his shoulder , and hell rub my hand affectionatly. What should I do?
Many thanks,
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you are making great progress, so my main advice is to believe in yourself and to keep putting more and more of what you’ve learnt into action.
I would start by telling him that you understand he needs time away for work and support his decision. Then list all the other things you’ve learnt and how you intend to implement them. Give concrete examples too, so it does not sound too abstract.
Next I would try and understand why you have such a craving for his time (above and beyond the fact that you love him). My guess that this will be linked to some experience in your childhood. So read the first half of ‘The Single Trap’ - which is called Working on Your Self and understand how the past could be effecting you today and how to detach the old baggage.
When you are more confident, he will stop feeling that he has to ‘protect’ you and stop suppressing parts of his personality…. because I bet you will discover that you like all of him, not just the bits he’s shown so far. There will be some bumpy moments but that’s better than being so polite to each other that you marriage disappears into ‘just good friends’.
Is it too late? I doubt it. He’s still in the house. It doesn’t sound like he wants to leave…… but he’s giving notice that something has to change. Show him evidence that it has and you’ll buy yourself time to prove that you can be lovers again.