Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
I have read your book, (”The Singles Trap”) and was wondering what advice you could give.
I am 42 and have been single for nearly twelve years. Over the years I have tried many different ways to meet men, for example dating sites, dating agencies to name a few.
Practically all of my friends are married, and they cannot introduce me to anyone single. I believe there is not really much chance of meeting anyone because of my age, and generally men around my age will often want someone much younger.
Last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer and as a result had to have a mastectomy. Fortunately my treatment has been successful as I am making a good recovery and my cancer has gone into remission. I have spoken to a few single women in my situation and read about their dating experiences post cancer. Many of them find it very difficult if not impossible to meet someone who will accept them as they are, (after surgery etc…) It makes for very depressing reading. I personally would not know how or when to explain to a potential partner that I had experienced cancer as well as disfiguring surgery. I think it would be enough to put anyone off.
I am really at a loss as to what to do.
I would really be interested to know what your thoughts are on this.
Andrew writes:
First of all congratulations on your recovery. Being diagnosed must have been a horrible shock and made you look at life in a completely different way. So how does this effect your search for love….. well I hope, your experiences over the past year or so will help - not hinder!
Lots of people who go through a life changing illness come out the other side stronger and less focused on superficial qualities like money, looks and status. They have a real sense of what is truly important and this is a real asset. As I explain in the book, like attracts like and you should hopefully attract similarly grounded people.
So before you start looking, double check: Am I in a good place? Have I recovered mentally as well as physically? If not, it would be an idea to have some counselling. Re-read the first section of the book and work-out what, in your old life, might have been holding you back from finding love. What could you do differently this time around?
Next onto the subject of your mastectomy. I’m not surprised that the other women on the sites that you’ve visited have had bad dating experiences. You know what I think of dating and Internet dating in particular. It is all about looks and games. Not a recipe for success. Instead, you’re going to try mixing…… as explained in the second part of the book. If your friends are supplying bonding capital, start going places where you can build your bridging capital. Do sports, past-times, volunteer, anything that gets you meeting people as you - not as a ‘woman with a mastectomy’. In social situations, your cancer will come up naturally rather than a confession on the first date! You will have got to know someone and if he likes you, he will accept that you’re not ‘perfect’. My guess is that if he’s reached forty odd, he will be far from body beautiful. He will probably have his baggage too - maybe a divorce or kids or whatever. If you’re kind and compassionate to his failings, he’ll return the favour.
Finally, try and re-frame your attitude to your surgery….. if you see it as ‘disfiguring’ that’s how other people will see it. If you see it as a badge of survival - that’s how others will too. You’ve got a lot to offer, go to non-pick up places and enjoy yourself. When you’re not thinking about looking for love or cancer, you’ll see someone old in a new light or open up to someone new in a special way. Keep positive.