Ask Andrew
Hi there
I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for five. We have 2 preschool children.
I found out (largely by chance) last october that he has been having an affair with a colleague 20 years younger than him. My husband is 40 and I wonder if is having a mid life crisis ?
Anyway i asked him to leave when I discovered the affair. It countinued for about a month and then he told me he had made a mistake and wanted to talk about coming back. However the OW continued to work with him.
We started to work on our relationship and went to couple counselling and he has been having his own individual therapy for several months anyway. Then 3 or 4 weeks ago things changed. Anyway I found out today (again partly by chance although i had suspected) that he is seeing her again. He has been living above his workplace but now is talking of renting a house.
In lots of ways he wants to maintain a relationship with me and would have a sexual relationship too if I let him. His behaviour feels addictive and compulsive. Is this a tripod affair ? what is going on ?
Andrew writes:
Your husband sounds like he is turmoil and running in every direction to try and sort out his life, but in the meantime digging himself a bigger and bigger hole.
But let’s not talk about him, let’s focus on you. Please read ‘How can I ever trust you again’ and understand how your marriage has reached this point. Although it is always tough to think about your contribution to the crisis - which the book will help you with - it’s much better than standing on the sidelines waiting for him to sort himself out.
While he wants to see this other woman, please don’t sleep with him (however tempted) as this will just increase his confusion. It is also pointless trying to work on your relationship until he can give it his full attention. So set him an example, by being totally upfront about how you feel - I suspect that you’ve been editing your feelings and keeping things nice (and your suspicions to yourself) to keep him on side. When you’re honest, he will be honest back. Even if it’s unpleasant to hear - like he has feelings for the other woman - you will know where you stand.
I doubt it is a tripod affair - these normally have been going on for years. It will probably be self-medication affair and he’s having trouble coming off his affair ‘high’.
The weeks and months ahead will be tough, but read around this subject (try ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’) look after the children and when he’s calmed down, he will realise that he’s made a big mistake. Only when he is truly finished with this woman and prepared to agree to ‘Safety First Living’ - see chapter four of TRUST - should you give him a second chance at saving the relationship