Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew
I just read an article in the Guardian on your upcoming book and it seems like the best idea to ask you for advice - I’m 24, single, and I live and work in London. I enjoy my work and have a healthy social life. I’ve been single all my life, and have never even been on a date, and never been asked. I’ve wanted to be in a loving relationship for as long as I can remember, and even though I’m happy where I am right now, I don’t want to wake up to be in mid-30s not having had a single romantic encounter!
This is also something I choose not to talk about with my friends any more as it sounds really awkward out loud.
I have a good social circle and I enjoy being out and about. So far in my life I’ve been really busy studying, getting a job etc. I’m all right to look at, although could do with losing a few pounds! I think I’ve come to a stage that even if someone asked me out (which hasn’t happened yet), I’d be scared to go for it as I’m afraid about my lack of experience. The irony of it all is that I’m the designated relationship counsellor for all my female and male friends, God help them!
I would love some advice please, on how to bring about change in myself and my life so I connect with men, and that I’d open to the possibility of being in a relationship, or at the very least, the idea of having a romantic dinner with someone..
Can’t wait to hear from you. Thanks so much in advance
Andrew writes:
First of all, I want to say ‘don’t worry.’ It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. A good social circle. Happy in yourself and thoughtful (why else would all those friends come to you for advice?) So what’s holding you back?
You don’t give me much to go on but I will make a few guesses and you can decide which fits the bill. Possibly, you could be so self-contained and seemingly above the hurly burly of falling in love, that men turn you into an agony aunt rather than a potential lover. This normally happens because women are frightened of showing their vulnerable side and therefore men only see their strength. However, falling in love is all about opening up and being vulnerable.
The other possibility is that you are very shy and when men say anything remotely saucy, you giggle, feel uncomfortable and don’t maintain eye-contact. This makes you seem like a kid sister and therefore men feel it is wrong to make outrageous suggestions -like: would you like to have dinner?
So please read, The Single Trap because it will give you some important messages. It’s not about looks - so don’t worry about weight extra and like attracts like (and as you’re in a pretty good place, you will attract other people in a good place) Look in particular at the sections on Flirting and Taking a Risk. In your case, this would probably be telling your friends that you’re looking for love - so they can tell you who seems interested (their radar could be more finely tuned that yours) and then encouraging those men. Don’t forget that men are frightened of rejection too and need help to get up the courage to ask woman out. So give them some encouragement like: ‘I think you’re very handsome’ or ‘I really love your smile’ or ‘I feel I can open up to you.’