Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
I lost my husband to leukameia almost five years ago. He was diagnosed on the 1st birthday of our son spent many months in hospital and died exactly a year later. We had been together almost 10 years. I had also had a great four year relationship directly before meeting my husband.
I am now 37 and the last five years, I have been very much single (other than a couple very insignificant, very short flings). Obviously most of my spare time is spent with my son (now almost seven) and I work incredibly long hours. I also live abroad (for work) so don’t have regular family support (although I am close to family and we visit each other often).
I would very much love to have a relationship (even the opportunity to just date) but men just do not seem interested in me- its almost as if I don’t have chemistry with the men in the country I live in or have a terminally single sign above my head 
. I have a fair few good male friends, new and old. I think my confidence has taken a bashing dealing with my husbands illness and death, being a single mum in a foreign country etc.
Any tips on who to overcome the fear of never finding love again? (I haven’t read your book but will def. try to order it). I did see a counsellor a couple of years ago but she seemed to focus very much on my relationship with my son which wasn’t the main reason I was there (in my mind, it was to help with the grief of loosing my husband).
Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and possibly having some ideas on how just “move on”, gain confidence.
very best regards
Andrew writes:
I hope you’ve managed to track down ‘The Single Trap’ as it is most definitely the book for you. I originally thought of calling it ‘Terminally Single’!
Losing a partner takes a long time to get over - probably at least two years - and having to bring up a child single- handed, while going through the grief process, is tough. However, it sounds like you are in a much better place now. Your son is becoming more independent and you are far enough down the bereavement process to be able to look back and take stock.
When my first partner died - thirteen years ago - some asked me: what positives had come out of the experience? I was completely taken aback. I couldn’t think of anything - only loss and pain. However, there have been some gains - however unwanted. First of all, I can see through a lot of the stupidity of modern life. It doesn’t matter how much stuff you acquire or how successful you are. So I don’t get trapped into going after shiny objects that everybody else wants - which leaves time for what really matters. Secondly, it got me writing - and onto three books and this letter to you. I’m sure you’ve had similar gains. So think about them…. partly because it will restore some of your confidence but mainly because I’ll bet you’ve gained a solid, strong core that lots of men will find very attractive.
So read the book, think about your social capital (see Chapter One) and get ready for an exciting adventure. I can assure you that you will find love again - I did (although it took five years!)