Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew
I read the Guardian supplement yesterday with your piece and have ordered your book as I really liked your approach. But I wanted to ask you if you think I should go for counselling based on a brief(ish) summary of my situation.
I was in a relationship from the age of 17 to 25. We met at school, stayed together through university when we had the odd wobble of infidelity and I wasn’t always sure we were right together but I then decided we were and we moved in together when we were 24. After an awful year together we both knew we didn’t want to be together anymore but he started seeing someone else just before we moved out and that made me feel betrayed so I took the break up very badly.
It is now seven years later and I’ve very much enjoyed my single life. I’ve dated a lot via friends and the internet. Most of the time I would go on a date, they would like me and I wouldn’t like them. I know I have a first date persona that is a more confident and bubbly version of myself which I would put on partly to protect myself and partly make myself seem more attractive i.e. not desperate to find a boyfriend. I had maybe four or five relationships of about three months but none of them right or particularly close. I felt very grounded and sensible about my approach to relationships because I wouldn’t allow myself to get into a position where I could get hurt. I can see now that many of the men I chose fit my list of technical requirements but emotionally they were worlds apart from me but if they were emotionally compatible I thought they were weak or stupid to like me or found other faults.
Then last year I met someone with whom everything clicked instantly. I felt like I had met my soul mate. In fact he seemed more into me that I was him, which would normally put me off a man, but I went with it because it just felt right and I trusted him instantly. We also had a lot of background in common so I had a lot of information on which I based my trust. It lasted only two months but we met all of each other’s friends and family, spent all of every weekend together, talked about spending Christmas together, he moved some of his things into my house, we spoke every day often more than once. Then his work got busy and he stopped calling every day. Two weeks later he emailed me to finish it saying nothing had changed but he didn’t have time for me at the moment, let’s talk in a few months when things had calmed down. I agreed and left him to it. A couple of months later I had a two line email asking for his things back. I feel like this has totally pulled the rug from under me. I can’t think about dating again. I don’t see the point as even when everything feels so right it still goes wrong. It’s six months since he first called things off and we were only together for two so I can’t understand why it has affected me so strongly.
My parents split up when I was a child and their break up was due to an affair on my father’s part, which my mother took very badly. My sister and I were discouraged from seeing him and were not allowed for many years to see his partner, who he is still with. I still feel guilty about seeing them. I therefore grew up in a female household and do feel awkward around men. Though I am comfortable with those younger and often choose men a few years younger than me to date. I also often choose people to fixate upon who are unavailable, whether because they are already attached, live a long distance from me or are gay.
The other thing that might be significant is that there is a history of depression in my family. Of my close family members I have been the least affected so have been the support for other members. This sometimes makes me feel that I’m not allowed to feel bad about things as someone else is always feeling worse.
Thanks for any advice you can give me.
Andrew writes:
One of the least talked about subjects in the modern media is the long term effect of a parent’s divorce on their children. It is almost like the forbidden topic - perhaps we are all just too guilty. But it leaves people like you worrying that there is something wrong with them - when really there is a lot of rubbish from the past that needs to be cleansed away.
I was really sorry to hear that not only did your parents split but it happened because of an affair (which makes it doubly difficult for everybody concerned to move on) and that your mother made it so hard for you to see your father. If you’ve started reading ‘The Single Trap’, everything will begin to make sense. You are frightened of being hurt again - hence either blowing hot and cold yourself or falling for guys - like the last one - who blew hot and cold.
Let’s move onto the positives, you are very self-aware and can understand the patterns (rather than throwing yourself into another round of relationships like many people.) I would start with understanding your parent’s marriage. Talk to both of them about how hard that period must have been for them. Read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ as this will give you an insight too. Then allow yourself to start grieving for your lost childhood. It feels like you’re carrying a huge weight on your shoulders but once it’s gone, you’ll not only feel lighter but also start attracting people in a better place (rather than the gay or the attached)
Do you need counselling? Read the books, digest them and see how you feel. They might be the eureka that will help you make the necessary connections and the exercises could be enough in themselves. You might feel that you need a guiding hand through the process - and if that’s the case, do consider counselling.
Good luck. I really hope reading that article is going to be a turning point for you.