Ask Andrew
Hi Andrew,
I’m hoping you can give me some direction. I’ve read your book cover to cover, and its given me so much insight on what might have gone wrong with our marriage of 9 years. My husband is 34 and I’m 31,we have a 3 year old son, a few months ago he blew me away with the ILYB message. I must admit I cried a bit, but stayed mostly strong I think. I got to the point where I told him that either he has to move out so I can move on, or try to talk things out and rebuild gradually over time. So he agreed to try talk things out. In talking he has said many things, the details sometimes chop and change but the basics that I’ve heard so far is that : We married to young, he’s changed and I’ve stayed more or less the same, he has felt unhappy for years, he wants to do things that will make him happy , and apparently he cant see him doing that with me,he feels guilty leaving the family , and assures me constantly that he will support us in every way, and he wants to be good friends still, and he will always give me a hug when he sees me.
This all came out just as his business, which he’s been trying to get going for years, finally took off, and his salary tripled, he bought a new car and a boat, and realized he now wanted to fulfil the rest of his dreams. I feel like I have always been supportive of his goals, I bought him drums when he wanted to start a band, I bought him an expensive bike when it was his new favourite thing to do, and I agreed for him to buy the best possible gear for ice hockey when he wanted to get into that. I sat up late at night watching him play, and I just always feel like I’ve been supportive, although he says I haven’t. After we had our son, he started spending less and less time home and with the family, and I started to feel neglected and become eventually insecure towards the end, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to spend time together any more. This has all been explained in the book, and I see that at a critical point, it seemed like I was smothering him. He spent more time away on business trips and says he loves being alone, and feels free when his away - so he was definitely feeling smothered, which I realised at the last moment, when he asked for space.
He says now that he wants to rebel a bit, and be selfish, and he feels terribly guilty about it, but he can’t help it. He has a friend who is a bit of a bad influence (best friend since childhood)- and I think that maybe he might be egging him on to leave me too - although there’s absolutely nothing I can do about that. He’s just reached a turning point, and he’s adamant to go on his own now. Should I persist with all the recommend techniques (pulling back, tipping points etc), because when I do, he becomes very friendly towards me, even flirting and jesting a bit, and I get very heart-sore when he pulls back when I show a little too much affection in return. Is he just trying to be that ‘best friend’ - which I really don’t want to be at this point. Best friends this soon after a break up is out of the question for me - so basically I’m worried that if I remain friendly and return his jests, that he is thinking I’m accepting his proposal of ‘best friends’, for me its partners or polite exe’s, nothing in between.
So what should I do, pull back and ignore his getting chummy again, or accept his chumminess, and risk showing him I’m ok to just be very good friends? Which I’m very much not at this point, I have self respect still. By the way, when he sees me happy and being nice to him, it makes him happy because he feels less guilt I think. He really tries to get me to move on with my life - even at one point he mentioned that he would support me until I found a new partner. Does this mean there’s no hope? He’s switched off already?
Andrew writes:
It does sound like your relationship is at a real turning point and I think that you have to be very clear about what you want. Unfortunately, like a lot of people in these circumstances, you are probably pulled in two directions: on one hand, you want to save your marriage but on the other are frightened of getting hurt and rejected. So what normally happens, the partner receiving the ILYB swings from being open and understanding to angry and rejecting. The ultimate mixed message.
If you want to save your relationship, I would continue with the pulling back,active listening and tipping points. There is an outside chance that your husband might realise that you truly won’t stand in the way of his ambitions and no longer be clinging. The foundation will then be laid for working on your relationship.
It is also quite possible that he will walk away - feeling a little less guilty. (Although all the guilt in the world won’t make him stay) Remaining pleasant will allow you to be good co-parents (and that is not to be under-estimated - see some of the letters in the Single Trap section from adults still recovering from their parent’s bitter divorce) More importantly, it will leave the door open so when he finds that the grass is not greener out there (but rather sad and lonely) he can come back again. Being pleasant does not mean hiding your feelings - just reporting them rather than acting them out. By this I mean, ‘I’m devastated and hurt that you’re leaving’ - rather than throwing his bag out or angry ranting.
I wonder about your phrase: ‘I have self-respect still’ What do you think would make you lose it? What are you frightened of doing? If it is begging or trying to physically stop him, or being vicious and manipulative - I can understand not wanting to go there. If it is being honest with your feelings and showing how much this is hurting or trying and not succeeding - I don’t think constitutes losing ’self-respect’. Sadly too many people shut themselves behind a brick wall - in the name of self-respect - and make themselves unreachable. Ultimately it is better to fight for what we truly want - rather than step back for fear of not succeeding.