Ask Andrew
dear andrew
After reading your new book, I am not sure which way to go after I found my boyfriend of 7 years was cheating on me with another women from Germany. We are on a break but and she has now moved to england, I’ve tried the questions that are in your book but he still explains that there was nothing going on. I’ve found three mobile phones that up to this date, I didn’t know about and that he had slept with her a week before we brought first house together back in november . To make things worse she has pid (Pelvic imflamatory diease) which she has too . i know he is lying to me . but he just wont come clean. hope you can help
rachel
Andrew writes:
You are in a really tough situation. It sounds like he is going for the deny, deny, deny approach. Some people think this will make their partner back down and the problem will magically go away - but actually it just traps the marriage in a web of bad feeling, lies and unhappiness.
So what can you do? There seems to be only two options. Neither of them are very attractive. Firstly, you put up with it and hope everything blows over. Secondly, present your evidence (calmly and rationally). Tell him that if he is not able to be honest then there is no point continuing the conversation or the relationship. If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you.
My guess is that he is trying to ride two horses - he thinks he has ‘a future’ with this woman but just to be on the safe side is trying to keep you on side. With someone playing games or so confused about his feelings, there is no point trying to reason with him: walk away.
It will be hard to carry through this threat and actually leave but I think you know this is the only viable option - but be sure you really mean it (as a empty threat is pointless). Maybe, just maybe, he’ll realise that he can’t have you both. Maybe, he’ll try his ‘dream’ relationship and when it explodes in his face, think about what he’s lost. However, he doesn’t have the guts to be honest - and does not respond to carrots to confess - I don’t think he’s worth your time.