Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
I’ve been married to my second husband for 13 years. This is his first marriage. Two years ago we relocated for his job (he’s a university lecturer), but shortly afterwards his hours were dramatically reduced. He became progressively more depressed, began drinking heavily (he’s always used drink as a solution to problems) and gradually stopped communicating with me in any way.
My first marriage ended after 17 years when my husband went to Austria for work, fell in love with an Austrian woman, gave up his job and went to live with her. He was back after three months but the marriage did not survive because he developed a taste for extra-marital affairs.
Four months ago my husband attended a conference in Turkey. Following his return he became even more depressed and withdrawn. Two months later he went back on a mysterious teaching assignment. A week later, I tackled him. He said he was in love with a Turkish woman. He planned to give up everything to be with her. He said he could live and work in Turkey because they respected his skills. He says they have planned children (I have two children but we have none together because he always said he didn’t want any).
We are living in the same house but he has moved to the spare room. He does not want to admit that his feelings may be a temporary obsession rather than love. I made an appointment with relate,but he refused to attend. He now says he does not think he will go to live in Turkey, so it seems she may be planning to come here. He says he is still deciding what to do and needs to be left alone. I asked him not to contact her for a while but he said he couldn’t do that.
Because of my previous history I don’t believe this is the real thing. I don’t want him to throw away everything for a short-lived infatuation. My husband is white, British and 47. As far as I can gather the woman is about 30, has never been married and is a Muslim. He says, rather amusingly, that they ‘have not had intercourse’.
I have now been living in limbo for a month. I am not sleeping and my health is suffering. Very few people know and I don’t want to tell my friends because, if it ends, I don’t want him to be a figure of fun. We know many men of about his age who have had similar crises. He always laughed at ‘mid-life crisis men’ and said he would never do anything like that.
Before this he was pleasant, easy-going and thoughtful, if somewhat dull and occasionally selfish. Now, it’s like living with a demented robot. He works and exercises obsessively and won’t discuss anything. Sometimes he seems so tired and distracted that I feel very sorry for him.
I do not think this woman will give up easily, as he may represent her last chance: a single woman of her age is unlikely to find a Turkish husband. I don’t know whether I should be nice or nasty, but I don’t really want to play games. Any advice would be welcome.
Andrew writes:
It is always better to be nice than nasty. Nice keeps open communication. Nasty just builds a wall. So let’s try and look at things from his point of view.
The middle years are by the far the toughest in anyone’s life. We have to come to terms with the reality that we are not immortal and decide what to do with the rest of my life. Unfortunately, our culture belittles this existential crisis (which everyone goes through) and jokes about a mid-life crisis. It is particularly tough for men who don’t communicate. They feel trapped in being the provider and doing jobs that don’t inspire them (or they actively hate) but feel they have no alternative as it ‘pays the bills’. Just like your husbands case, they use drink to numb the pain. It’s no wonder they explode!
As you know from experience, an affair will solve nothing. Even if this woman does come to England, she will have trouble with a visa and the whole bubble will burst (see my book for the difference between married love and affair love). Sadly, he will probably fall further into demotic robot mode before things get better.
So how are you going to survive? Firstly get yourself some support, talk to a sensible friend who has preferably been through something similar but her marriage has survived. (There is no point confiding in a friend who will simply pump up your anger.) Next concentrate on getting through the next few days, manageable for the sake of your children, rather than worrying about the future (which will overwhelm you). Read the Chapter on ‘Coping Day to Day’ in I love you but I’m not in love with you and ‘Coping with the stress’ in Ch2 of ‘How can I ever trust you again.’ Don’t be rushed into making any long term decisions while you’re still in shock. Please don’t try and second guess the other woman. Partly because it is impossible to know if you’re right or wrong, but mainly because it will drive you wild.
Finally listen to your husband - without interrupting or disputing or putting him straight (’you didn’t want children’) or trying to persuade him to stay - just nod, ask for clarification or say ‘anything else’. When you truly understand his unhappiness, he will listen to yours and how you want things to be different. Out of this better understanding, some good will for the future might grow.
Whatever happens keep the communication lines open, follow my programme and even if he does fall further into this madness, there can still be a way back.