Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
My husband now thinks that we have reached a point of no return. He wants a separation . We have two children and my main focus has been keeping our family together under very stressful circumstances. My Husband has made efforts but he has also continued to undermine our relationship with dishonesty and suspicious behaviour. He says he loves me but not enough to put aside the terrible arguments we have had since all of this began. I have shown my rage and anger many times{full blown plate throwing without - the greek wedding } and he doesn’t quite understand how someone can be frustrated or angry.
Since a child, I have never been a trusting person- but this has completely destroyed everything I held dear. He was the first person in my life that I did completely love without reservation. In the beginning of our relationship it he who fell for me first and so he made me feel very special and wanted. Obviously I don’t feel that way now - he barley contacts me during the day. If he goes out after work he sometimes switches his phone off even. He has a lot more work friends than when we first met and often goes out until the early hours with them.
Over the course of these two years I’ve seen glimpses of our old relationship but not enough to say to me that he loves me again and he’ll never have another affair. I live in constant fear of him doing it all again. I know alot of people would say it’s time to leave if that’s how I feel, however we have two children together and I still live in hope that it will get better.
Another thorn in the side of our relationship is that now his family think it’s time we just separate - they are tired of hearing about our arguments and think that after two years of trying it’s futile to go on. His family are not the loving kind but more matter of fact. My main problem with them expressing this opinion is that they can’t stand in my shoes - I’m the 32 yr old Mother of two young girls and I never thought that children of mine would have to be subjected to this kind of pain.
I love him still even though a lot of me hates how he makes me feel now every day. He says he love but I assume he’s not in love with me and finds it difficult to re-connect to me after our arguments.
Have we passed that point of no return ? What else can I do or we do to repair our relationship ?
If you could offer any advice I’d appreciate it greatly ,
Yours Sincerely ,
Andrew writes:
It sounds like relations between you and your husband are at all time low. Understandably, you don’t trust him. However, it sounds like he doesn’t trust you either. He is frightened of another round of plate smashing and even worse. There desperately needs to be some bridge building before everything collapses. But how?
As you know from reading ILYB, I look for the six of one and half a dozen of the other in every situation. However, I only have you to talk to…… So here goes, it must be hard to have your trust destroyed when you came from a family who made it hard to trust. At the moment, you must be very scared and that’s making everything even scarier. No wonder, your reactions have been verging on Greek tragedy. However, this is making a bad situation worse. Your husband is tip toeing round all the problems, playing his cards close to his chest (in case, in his imagination, you are about to explode) and he keeps back information just in case you interpret it in what he would describe as ‘the wrong way’. In an ideal world, he would tell you things first, rather than let you discover them and allowing your over active imagination builds them up into something damming - when, in reality, they would probably not be so bad after all. However, he won’t come forward until it feels safe.
To break through the deadlock, you will need to make the first move. Apologise again for any behaviour which you currently regret - see the Discovered section in Intense Learning for how to make a fulsome apology. Tell him that want to commit to stop ranting - as it is getting you nowhere. This does not mean you need to bottle up your feelings - just report them instead (Re-read Attempted Normality). If you find yourself beginning to see red - however provoked you might feel - walk away and return when you feel more rational. If you explode, you’ll set back your progress. If you talk, he’ll listen and then you can begin to sort out the real issues.
Next time you’re feeling low and need reassurance, ask for a cuddle rather than confronting him about something. Whenever there’s two options - one involving a carrot and one a stick. Go for the carrot. If something upsets you, put it on hold for twenty-four hours. If it is still an issue - discuss calmly. If it is not - let it drop. In this way, you’ll learn to self-soothe - rather than demanding he does it. Finally, read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ for a second time. Imagine your husband is reading it - what would he say, how would he describe your behaviour, is there any truth in what he might be feeling?
If you can hold onto this approach for a month, my expectation is the temperature in the house will lower, you can talk about the things that really upset you (rather than old emails) and your relationship can not only be saved but you have the foundation for sorting out the underlying problems that caused the affair.
Finally, I know it is hard to make the first move when you feel so angry. However, I helped a client last week do exactly the same. In just seven days, her husband started telling her about his feelings again and best of all, she discovered she was not as angry as she thought. Give it a try and see how you feel.