Ask Andrew
Dear Andrew,
I am seeking your advice on an issue my wife and are having with our
marriage.
After 5 years of marriage, my wife set up a therapy session. I will admit
that I have been against seeking help for fear of having to open up our
marriage to a stranger. Finally, my wife went herself and during her
second session she asked me to come along and indicated that she wanted
to spend some time apart to think. I was completely caught off guard but
in hindsight, our marriage has been cracking under the surface as a
result of something you seemed to see often….the declining health of
my wifes mother who has cancer and who we have been caring for the past
2 years. Chemo every 2 weeks in our home has taken a toll and I feel
that we have not had a normal marriage in the past couple of years as
a result of the anticipatory grief. I would never change the love or
treatment we provided her mother the past 2 years since it was natural.
Howveer I cannot help but reflect how it has had a multiplier effect
on many aspects of our marriage. Financial conversations meant little
to my wife since she understandably was only focused on her mothers
impending death. Everything was secondary to her mothers pending terminal
illness. I felt like she did not hear me lately and for that I began to
bottle up my feelings and treat her more coldly.
The reality is that we had both been bottling up our feelings then
exploding. Now, her mother just passed away and the timing of my
wife moving out is terrible. I will likely take her a long time to
heal since both of her parents are now gone and she is only 38.
I feel selfish wanting to mend the wounds and begin to heal but am
confused how I should now act. I know my wife will need time but
it hurts that she does not want me around. I want to be there to help
her with her pain but I know that I am more of a distraction so she
asked me to only attend the wake briefly and not attend the funeral.
OUCH!
I did follow her wishes, as hard as it was.
I have also began seeing the therapist that she has been seeing but
I fear that the therapist has not gotten the full story yet and the
therapist keeps saying ” Well, you wife says she loves you, but maybe
she is not “in love” with you any more.” The therapist seems to imply
that if people have fallen out of love then things are over. You and
your book seem to imply that there might still be hope.
There has been no infidelity, no physical abuse, not alchohol/drug
dependence, just little arguments that turn into big disagreements
and my unhappy attitude that is the result of the past couple of years
with the pain and anticipation of seeing her mothers health dwindle
before us:( Lack of communication has led to some emotional abuse
which I now look back on and regret since I have been making mountains
out of molehills that probably seemed trivial in her eyes compared
to her mothers pending death.
I am continuing to have open conversations with the therapist but I fear
that more and more time apart without communicating with my wife is
hurting our chances of reconciling. However, I realize that my wife has
to grieve and reflect upon her mothers passing first before we move on
and tackle our recent marital strains.
Am I answering my own question here?
I am just scared that the therapists suggestions that we might love each
other but have fallen out of love is the wrong message, implying that
our love cannot be rekindled.
Andrew writes:
Congratulations on taking such a thoughtful approach to this problem. You are right ILYB and bereavement often go hand-in-hand. If the communication over this period has been ‘bottle’ and ‘explode’ - that is a terrible combination. But how horrible, to be asked not to come to the funeral! Your wife has become an orphan in her thirties and her reaction is to exclude rather than to reach out for your support.
So although your wife needs time to grieve, and pushing your marriage problems to the top of the agenda would be insensitive, I’m worried that she might interpret your respectful distance as lack of caring. If it is possible to talk with her, I would apologise for your mistakes over her mother’s illness. List all the things that you regret - without an explanation (this can sound like justification and limit the impact of the apology). Next think of some caring actions that a friend might offer…. like cleaning out the guttering or helping clearing out the house (there’s a million things to after a death). Stress you are not going to talk about your relationship or the future, but just help out and be supportive in a practical way. This kind of solicitous behaviour will show that you love her and make her realise that you can be a port in a storm.
When you are friends again and the first three months have passed after the funeral, that might be the moment to talk about the future. In the meantime, travel optimistically, don’t keep looking for reassurance (as this will push her away) and learn to like each other again.