Ask Andrew – 244
Hi Andrew,
i’m an 38 old italian female, i live in italy and speak a little english.
i’m reading your book “the single Trap”, but i can’t go on with the seventh chapter cause pratically my last relationship has broken a few days ago.
i’ve starting reading your book before the end because i knew of course that somenthig was wrong with us, and finaly with your help i’ve realized that i’ve made the same mistake again, having a relation with a man who counldn’t give what i need.
at the beginig he was wounderful, everything was perfect, and he showed to be really interested in his best friend’s sister, that is me.
but i knew his history, his past relations, and his way of face them. so he left me last saturday with my help, i’ve leaded him to do it because , i finally wook up from the dream.
i ‘m wondering why i made again this mistake, why i convince myself things will get better with the time, even if i recognized my man identykit, i go on hoping and beliving that love will make the miracle.
i’ve had big problems with my family, violence, my father used to hit be, and i’ve grown up repeating myself, noboby loves me. to be female in italy is hard with a father like mine and even dangerous.
male get a different education, my brothers were forgiven and much more free than me and my sister.
in your book you write that parents should be forgiven, but in my case in almost impossible. because the can’t really understand.
i hope i’ve explained myself clearly in english, because it is not my language.
and i thank you for tha achive you can give me.
Andrew writes:
I’m glad that you’ve found my book helpful and that you have understood the link between your father and the sort of men that you attract. Making peace with the past will help you move on and make a better relationship next time round – so congratulations on having the insight.
As for forgiveness, this is a hard subject and there are lots of myths about forgiveness – let’s look at them….
1. Forgiving let’s someone off the hook.
2. Someone has to earn forgiveness.
3. If you forgive someone, they might do the same thing all over again.
4. Forgiveness is only possible after an apology.
There’s lots of truth in these myths but they also keep us trapped in the past. If forgiveness is truly given – and not coerced – it allows us to let go of resentment, blame and anger. Therefore forgiveness is not just as act of generosity to your father but a gift to yourself. This is because it will free you from the past, allow you to draw a line and to start afresh. You might be trying to punish your father but is probably you who is hurting the most right now.
Now I know it’s much easier for me to type these words than for you to forgive your father’s violence – and note I say forgive not forget. So how do you move forward? Firstly try and understand why he was violent. Was it drink? The macho Italian culture? Did he think he was doing the right thing? Next, you need to fully understand the impact on you – rather than try to shut out the memories. For this, I think you need to find a good counsellor. He or she will help you think through whether it is worth talking to your father or not. You might find he has regrets and approaching him as a mature woman rather than a little girl might change the whole dynamic.
You have taken an important first step on a bigger journey, continue to be brave and things will change for the better.
