Ask Andrew – 246
Hi Andrew,
I read your article in the Guardian on ‘The Single Trap’ and thought it was really interesting. I was just wondering whether you have any advice for me.
I’m 25, live in London and have a good set of friends and am a chipper person. But lately I’ve become a bit disenchanted.
The last guy I was seeing (only for about 3 months) ended things in January after he told me that he liked someone at his work. He said that things had been complicated with her for ‘a while’ and that they’d now decided to pursue a relationship. I’m not miserable about it (I did have my own doubts about the relationship) but I’m annoyed that he essentially ‘hedged his bets’ with me during the time we were together as he obviously had feelings for someone else… and, more awkwardly, he is a friend of a friend, so I do think he should’ve thought more deeply about starting something when there are mutual friends to consider.
The relationship before that (which was nearly 2 years before and one that I am happily very much over) lasted 6 months and was a pretty brutal breakup (for me, anyway). From the start he said he couldn’t have a girlfriend as he’d only just broken up with someone else, and really I should’ve run a mile at that point, but I didn’t. I thought I could change his mind. Instead we had 6 months of “non-going out”. When I said I loved him, he just said to me ‘I can’t love you’ and we broke up then and there. Ouch. About a month later he was seeing someone else.
I’m a bit of a romantic really (which is a bit surprising seeing as I’m surrounded by a history of unhappy marriages and bitter singleness: my parents – I don’t have any contact with my father – and my sister, who is married to a man who really doesn’t make her happy; and my other sister who is in early 40s and is bitterly resigned to never meeting a man), as I believe there is someone who’ll love me for just who I am.
But disenchantment has crept in based on these last two guys, who I thought were decent people, but ended up flooring me. It’s a combination of feeling that I’m unworthy/ unlovable (which will eventually pass, I know), mixed with a growing feeling that there aren’t any nice guys out there – which I know isn’t true, it’s just my frustration talking.
I feel like the only way I’m going to get out of my skepticism is by meeting nice guys in a totally un-romantic context but I work in an all female-office, and the friends of friends that I do meet I don’t tend to click romantically with.
Do you have any advice? Thanks.
Andrew writes:
I’m not at all surprised that you’re a romantic – this is a very common reaction to a parent’s bitter divorce. After witnessing so much betrayal and proof that love does not always last, we need to cling tightly to the dream of happily ever after.
So my first piece of advice would be to read ‘The Single Trap’, there is a lot about being the child of divorce and how your relationship with your father can set the template for other men. So your father – I would guess from your letter – was emotionally unavailable (or in some other way destructive) – and you have just been through two relationships with men who were either recovering from another relationship or lusting after another woman (and therefore unavailable to commit).
At the bottom of these problems is a fear of being hurt – not surprising after your family experiences. However, you desperately want to find someone and get close. As these desires are contradictory, you have been doing a complicated dance where you over-commit to the wrong men (so you can have your cake but not eat it – so to speak) and blow cold with the men who might be able to offer you commitment and love (as you don’t click romantically).
All of this is explained in detail in the book, as well as how to become comfortable with commitment and start attracting the right sort of men (by the way, you’re correct about going for the non-romantic environments). The really good news is that you’ve spotted the problems at twenty-five – when there is plenty of time to sort it out. Congratulate yourself on your insight and start putting the past to rest.
