Ask Andrew – 247
Dear Andrew,
I’ve recently lost my ‘love’ for my boyfriend and it’s been extremely upsetting to me. I miss those feelings so much, and it’s been so hard on him because he knows I’m in a different place emotionally.
We have a long distance relationship (he’s English, I’m Australian) and we’ve been very happy together for quite some months now. Recently he came to visit me and that’s when I started to feel a change in me. I began to notice that I couldn’t reciprocate, and I couldn’t connect with him and feel that same bond that we had before.
I have some indicators that might have triggered the change. During our time apart, I would often seek proof of his love and committment to me. I was often consumed with doubt, and his reassurance was not always enough to allow me to just trust him. I guess this was more difficult because of the distance, and the relationship was still in the early stages. And sometimes my doubt arose because he said he would contact me at a certain time, but failed to. A little thing, but with all that distance between us I felt the doubt more strongly. Also, I’ve never had a serious relationship before, and my only experience was of being rejected in the early stages. I feared this happening again, even though I knew deep down that he was different.
On the night he arrived, I was again doubting him and fearing he was going to break up with me. I guess whenever I felt like this, part of me shut down as a way of protecting myself before he had the chance to hurt me. He didn’t break up with me and then it was just a matter of adjusting to being in other’s space again after 4 months apart.
Not long after his arrival I began to be consumed with doubt again. This time I was convinced he was having a baby with another girl. I came to this conclusion by something that was said in an email from a friend of his, and also some other little pieces of ‘evidence’. In my mind I could not think how it was anything other than true. I shut down. I couldn’t connect with him. I talked to him, saying I had a nightmare about him having a baby with someone else. He reassured me that it was not possible. But no matter what he said, I think that was the beginning of the end for my feelings.
As I look back on the month he was here, I can see how the disconnection happened. I would get very upset by little things that he did, and shut off. I was not interested in affection past a certain point, and certainly not comfortable with anything sexual (we have never had intercourse by the way). I just didn’t have the emotional connection to want those things. I then came to the heartbreaking conclusion that I didn’t love him anymore. I was filled with guilt and anxiety and panic. And of course he picked up on what was going on. He was very good about it, but I know he was very hurt.
I still have so much affection and care for him and I don’t want to end things. But how do we carry on from here? I’m not happy living like this. And I know he is hurting. This man was going to be the one for me. We had talked about a future and I was so excited about it. Why don’t I feel that anymore? Can I get it back? I feel so betrayed by my own heart. Please help!
PS- I’m 27 and he’s 30
Andrew writes:
Something has happened that makes you frightened of letting your guard down and letting other people into your life. My guess is that your parent’s broke up when you were young and you learnt, first hand, just how dangerous love can be.
So please read ‘The Single Trap’ this will explain how our first relationships (especially for women with their father) can set the template for future relationships. It also explains why we sometimes find commitment difficult and blow hot and cold about people. In a sense, it is easy to be committed and loving when someone is half way round the world and not surprising that we can feel overwhelmed when they arrive on our doorstep (knowing nobody else and needing us 24/7) I know this from experience as I used to be a sucker for long distance relationships in my twenties too!
What should you do about your feelings towards your boyfriend? Talk to him about it. The truth will be painful but after he’s cried or got angry – and you’ve cried or got angry – you will start to explore your feelings. This sort of real exchange of feelings – rather than the dream of love and the passion of long distance absences – will actually bring you closer. (There’s a lot about this in ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and how arguments and conflict can be good for your relationship).
Good luck.
