Ask Andrew – 256
Dear Andrew,
I am rereading your book ‘The Single Trap’ and I find it just such an eye opener…so thank you for that.
I am divorced (married for 13 years, was mainly good) after separating 6 years ago, I’m 43, and have had a few unsuccessful short lived relationships since then, the last being over a year ago now.
My problem is two fold…I live in a area where singleness seems scarce, so not very many people to meet at all, and also I have massive shadows cast over from my relationship with my mother. Too too much to put in here but so many things to be angry about, and so grim and still ongoing even though she’s in her 70’s now.
I can’t talk to my Mum about why I am angry with her as it would never get past the starting post – she has a vicious temper, and is insightless/defensive – and I am struggling so much to forgive her and to put in place strong ways to keep her negativity and influence in a place where it does no harm, that we can have some sort of relationship and contact that doesn’t always leave me feeling gutted on the ground.
Mum hits all the points on the Single Trap mother’s legacies for Critical, Controlling, Martyr, and Frightened – and she’s a repeat offender! As a result I am a classical over responsible, poor self esteem’d, scared of getting close and being hurt (thanks Dad)- woman who is a good mother to two fun children, and a success in a my career (though find it hard to say that!)
I had a poor relationship with my Dad, however I did resolve those issues happily before he died recently. Mum and I left when I was 9, and had no contact for nearly 30 years…she is still angry with me about contacting him. He really wasn’t so bad afterall she had portrayed him as.
Help!!!!
I know this stuff is getting in the way of me focusing on next steps and will likely cause me grief and sadness in a new relationship. And anyway, what sort of man could possibly cope with my Mum!
Any ideas? How to forgive, when you can’t even talk about it to the person? How to meet someone when you do have some unresolvable baggage?
I would so appreciate some guidance or ideas on how to move forward on this.
Andrew writes:
Thank you for your kind comments on the Single Trap, I’m pleased that it’s helped you.
Let’s start with the good stuff, it is wonderful to be able to say that you are a ‘good mother to two fun children’ – that is a real achievement. It is very easy for problematic mothering to be passed down the generations but it takes real courage, to say: it stops with me. So congratulate yourself.
The next thing to applaud is that you managed to resolve your issues with your father and find a more balanced picture of him. My hope would be that you could achieve something similar with your mother. So she will probably never be easy but it is possible to reach a place where you understand what makes her so difficult, find some empathy for her problems and neutralise the pain.
So how do you move forward? First, I would think about attending one of my workshops. The great benefit of working with other people is that you get a better of perspective on your own problems. Time and again, we feel like we are the only person coping with a difficult parent – until we hear similar stories from other people. This is especially important when your mother is the problem – as our society worships mothers and nobody wants to or will believe that they are not all ‘wonderful’.
Secondly, I would talk to your mother more about her own childhood and the experiences that formed her. What was her mother like to her? How have circumstances make her so angry and fearful? Listen to the old stories again with fresh ears and ask for more. Hopefully, you will able to find another picture of her – for example: someone who had some tough breaks but uses the wrong coping mechanisms.
Thirdly, I would look for similarities between you and her. I know that will be horrible and difficult. But sometimes the things we hate about other people are the things that remind us of ourselves! With luck, this will help you to be compassionate towards her and yourself.
Finally, you are worried that nobody will take you on with such a difficult mother. Again, there is good news. The relationship between mother and son-in-law is often easier than mother and daughter-in-law. Many difficult mothers are putty in the hands of men who charm and flatter them. Other men will simply switch off – not take her comments personally – and slip like water off a ducks back. Remember, he would be taking on you not your mother. So work on yourself, become more balanced, and you will attract a similarly balanced man.
