Ask Andrew – 269
Andrew
I have read both ILYB and HCIETYA and have found them incredibly useful.
My situation is this…
About 3 months ago my husband of 5 years (partner for 10 years) told me ILYB. Since then he has slept with an ex-girlfriend twice – supposedly both drunken and “didn’t mean anything”.
It would appear that my husband had not been happy with our lack of intimacy and sex life following the birth of our two children. I thought I was happy with our marriage and that the sex would return when the children were a bit older but, since the affair, I have realised that I was burying a lot of resentment and anger about my husband (his lack of help around the house, the fact that he has been living his dream of running his own business for years but that I have to support us financially as it doesn’t make any money etc etc). I now do not want to go back to the marriage we had before either.
It is now 3 weeks since I found out he had been unfaithful. We have our first regular session with Relate in two weeks time despite the fact my husband is incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of counselling.
I have done an awful lot of soul searching about where our marriage has gone wrong. Primarily we have both been incredibly complacent and haven’t put our relationship on our list of priorities.
My problem now is that, despite the fact that we are still living together, it is horrible!
I know that my husband does not love me – he has said he “thinks” he wants to love me but a) that’s hardly a great show of commitment and b) he may just be saying that to save my feelings. It makes me feel sick and anxious almost every minute of every day and I am struggling to enjoy my children, to work and to do anything except “research” this all too common phenomenon.
Unfortunately, whilst I have been doing all the thinking, the research and the forgiving he doesn’t seem to be doing anything at all. When I asked him about this he said he does think about it but I don’t know if that’s true (he’s very good at burying his head in the sand) and, even if it is, he isn’t talking about it and I’m not a mind reader!
We have two pre-school children so I owe it to them to work at this but it is so hard to act in a loving way to someone who, quite frankly, is very difficult to love at the moment.
How should I proceed over the next few weeks? Should I ask him about the future? Should I just try and get on with my life (I am trying to do this but finding it very hard)? What can I do whilst he’s not willing to talk about it or try to fall in love again?
Help!!
Andrew writes:
You sound completely exhausted, overwhelmed and sad. No wonder, it is so hard to make it through the day. So first, I want to congratulate you on holding it all together. You’re doing fine and be reassured – things are not as bad as their appear when your imagination starts working overtime and sends you into dark places.
Let’s look at what’s in your favour:
- You’ve got two small children – they might cramp your love-life but they are great glue for holding everything together.
- He ‘thinks’ he wants to love you. What’s he saying is ‘I want this to work out, but I’m frightened of writing cheques that I can’t honour and if I do promise to try, I’m frightened that everything might slip back into the old ways (which were making me miserable)’ So although you’d like a declaration of undying love, this is good enough for now.
- You’re going to Relate and have a forum to talk this out.
- His infidelity was a ‘Cry for Help’ and therefore a much easier type to recover from.
So what should you do next? We need to take the pressure off you. If you were my client, I’d like to know what acting in a loving way means? If this means trying to cover up your feelings, I would encourage you to be more honest and real with him (It’s less exhausting) If it means pretending something that you’d feel – because at the moment you’re angry and hurt, I’d give you permission to show him. (Although better to be ‘polite’ and ‘business like’ when the children are around, so they are protected from the worst of the fall out).
Please read again the chapter in HCIETYA on Attempted Normality and in particular the sections on Flooding, Reporting rather acting out feelings and Over-thinking which I think is making life harder on a day to day basis.
Next, I want you to stop trying to fix everything – for yourself, for him and the children. Often in the drive to resolve everything by tomorrow, I see lots of people making the situation worse. Also with you taking all the responsibility, he has nothing to do but sit around and wail ‘I don’t know’. So step back and give him some room to start thinking for himself (and feeling too). It will also make you more relaxed, less overwrought, and less snappy.
Finally, concentrate on making it through to your next counselling session. Use these as the main place to talk about difficult subjects like the ‘future’ and why he won’t talk – rather than worrying all the time that you’re not doing enough. His silence i’s probably because he’s frightened and has no vocabulary to begin exploring the enormity of what he’s done – rather than anything devious or underhand. So relax, take a deep breath and relax again.
