Ask Andrew – 268
Dear Andrew,
What I don’t know how to do is leave. It’s what he asked me to do and I have no other home to go yet.
From numerous other women at the office to a choice to live with a female relative instead of me, while forcing me to live overseas, after 15 years, I think I have no future with him. His use of internet whores, have finally won over his interest in me and now there is nothing left of what physical intimacy we enjoyed. I am fearful, suspicious, resentful and disgusted about it all of the time. All he has to do is check out any woman in front of me and it begins a fight. I feel threatened and foolish all the time.
This lasted this long because I never gave up, hoped for my true love to come round and commit, I have dreamed of a life in our own home, the whole nine yards but after this many years I hope less.
I find myself asking WHY should I trust him when time and again he’s proven not honest and unfaithful.. I have found his website searches for soulmates, read his journal entries about women he was in love with , and endless complaints of me. Neither one of us trusts the other now. (I told him about his history studies I did and journals I read)
How do you call it quits ? I lack the courage but I will need it. I don’t want to suffer humiliation and be mean to him in retaliation. I want back the me he fell in love with and chased -
Thank you.
Andrew writes:
As the song famously says, breaking up is hard to do. Especially when the pace is being dictated by someone else – ie: your partner. So my first piece of advice, leave in your own time. If that’s not now, fine. Take your time and go when you’re ready.
So how do you move forward? Over the next couple of weeks, I want you to live ‘mindfully’ with your eyes open. Rather than plotting something that will win him round – where you are so focused on your project, you are blind to what is really happening – watch what he does, listen to what he says and how you feel about it. Don’t damp down your feelings by coping strategies – like food, booze or exercise – experience the truth of life with him.
Next find out more about affairs and infidelity – read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ – and you will discover that for a relationship to recover, it takes two committed people. If you’re being mindful, you will know if this is a possibility or just your wishful thinking.
Finally, you need to think if the man you fell in love with still exists. Has he changed out of all recognition? Have you just projected the kind of man you’d like him to be onto his blank canvas? To understand about projection – how we magnify the evidence we like and minimise the evidence we don’t – read by other book ‘Single Trap’. It will also give advice on recovering from a past relationship and explain how to make better choices next time round.
My understanding is that you live in the States – where these books are yet to be published – but they can be bought from amazon uk.
The road ahead is tough but nowhere near as bad as being stuck half in and half out of a destructive relationship. Be brave and open your eyes.
