Ask Andrew – 270
I am a 36-year-old woman who has never had a serious relationship. The longest I’ve ever gone out with a man is two weeks. Many people consider me attractive and I’ve been told by acquaintances and strangers that I am beautiful. The men who are interested me I never find physically attractive. That is important to me I cannot be intimate with someone who does not attract me.
The men I’ve been with – two or three casual flings – over the past 18 years have this in common: I’ve always been very sexually attracted to them, they make the initial approach but then it turns into a situation where I get obsessed with them and throw myself at them. I was needy and too compliant and wasn’t true to myself. The men were always very witty and amusing.
My last fling was nearly nine years ago. That work colleague kept our sexual relationship secret which hurt me greatly. The last time I kissed a man was four years ago at a friend’s wedding. When he asked for my phone number the next day, I was cold and stiff to him even though I was attracted to him. Needless to say he never rang me, I don’t blame him.
Even though I have had sexual relationships, I have never been able to have full penetrative sex, found it too painful and I was never in a relationship where I felt loved and secure. I want a loving relationship with a good man to whom I’m also attracted. I feel it will never happen.
I work long hours so my social life is restricted and I feel too old for discos. My father is a very handsome man. He is a good father but he has a short fuse so he could quickly turn from being good-humoured to being angry and sulky. My brother who is a year younger than I has minor learning difficulties. Growing up that was hard for the family to deal with. We’ve never really talked about it least of all my brother. My younger sister is happily married.
I tried internet dating – my friend met her partner in this way. I never felt comfortable doing it. I met one man, I was not attracted to him but he was attracted to me. I told him I just wanted to be friends, he never responded to my email which he’s entitled to. I met him by chance the other day and he totally blanked me.
Thank you for your time.
Andrew writes:
First off, I want to reassure you. There are lots of people in the same situation who have reached their thirties and sometimes even forties without having a single long term relationship and only a handful of flings. I call this under-dating and I think it is one of the hidden phenomena of our times.
So why does it happen? As you point out in your letter, there are family issues – normally a difficult father or an absent mother. But I’ve noticed quite a few women with brothers with mental health issues who swallow a lot of attention and the daughter has been sidelined or felt compelled to be ‘perfect’ or ‘get on with things’ as the family can’t cope with any more problems. I would not be surprised to learn that you were bullied at school as well.
The result is that relationships are both very attractive – a chance to be centre stage in someone’s life – but very threatening too (as when you get close to someone it is easy to be hurt or rejected). So how do you cope with being simultaneously attracted and repulsed to something? There are the dances of commitment that I outline in the chapter ‘Long Time Single’ where one partner blows hot and then cold or where one becomes so overcommitted (almost straight-away) to someone that they run away.
However, there is an extra twist – which I think you follow. You put so much emphasis on that initial bolt of attraction (lust and limerence – see ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’) because somehow the power of this moment will bond you together forever and his sheer gorgeousness will keep you locked in love forever more. This might happen in fairy tales but I’ve never met one single couple that fit this description (and I’ve been in this game for twenty-five years).
So please read my book ‘I love you but’ because this explains the six stages that relationships go through, the issues that couples overcome and the tools to sort out differences (beyond leaping into bed or using love as a magic pill). Love is an important ingredient for keeping a relationship healthy – but only one of them. You need respect, consideration, compassion, shared interests, friendship and laughter. Finding someone attractive comes a long way down the list.
In fact lots of happy couples hardly notice their partner when they first meet, they might register that he or she is interesting or quite nice but that’s all. Some are just friends or colleagues – and there’s not even the beginning of a spark – but discover love as they slowly get to know each other. Relationships don’t have to start with a bang to work, in fact they work better you take things slowly and really get to know someone (rather than your fantasy idea of him).
So what should you do? Read ‘The Single Trap’ again and also ‘ILYB’ to find out how relationships work – because it sounds like your family didn’t give you any real role models. Come to my workshops, meet other people in a similar situation and slowly face your fears. The most wonderful thing is that when you do, you’ll discover they’re not so overwhelming after all.
Yet lots of successful relationships start with
