Ask Andrew – 272
Dear Andrew,
My husband and I have found your book, How can I ever trust you again, invaluable. Only eight weeks ago I discovered he had been having an online relationship using Skype and email with someone he met on business overseas in 1997 and with whom he connected with as a ’soulmate and confident’(to use her words) and corresponded with secretively for several years. I did meet her in her country as she offered to organised a holiday for our family which proved very unhappy for myself as I knew my husband was more interested in keeping in touch with her and was definitely offhand with me. I did explain my concerns to him then, possibly too emotionally and showing too much anger however, once home he must have appeased me somehow that it was only a friendly, business connection.
So you may imagine my reaction of total shock, disbelief and horror when I discovered a small smiley icon with pulsating hearts (in love!) from her left unopened on skype by him from the previous evening when I was out. It was only some twenty minutes before he returned from work for lunch so he discovered me in a state of deep shock, rigid yet shaking with rage and thoughts of how could my husband be this stranger and deceive me so badly. However, we have now studied and discussed each chapter. We have explored our relationship with hundreds of hours of talk and many emails and texts, now feeling a sense of calm, peace and love not felt before.
But is this all too soon? This second liaison has lasted over three years at a time when I was in UK looking after elderly relatives including my dying mother. He has worked overseas for over twenty years with a very stressful demanding employer in the arab world and he was able to resign last year giving us several months in UK before beginning the next job in the Middle East. However, the stresses which we both accrued over there and from living apart for periods when I had family to look after and the breakdown of proper communication certainly pointed toward the inevitable happening on both occasions. Our relationship has been mostly activity focused and a partnership, myself handling the domestic family matters and he his job. We always felt deep down that we loved each other but the feelings became too hidden and not enough emotional care and support given latterly. Our physical relationship has always been less that satisfactory as I have always felt his lack of emotional feelings or need for me and I had problems associated with my childhood when sexually abused at 6/7 years old, not severely but enough to affect us until I released the anger 30+ years later!
We have known one another for almost 40 years and married for over 35 with three adult sons so an awful lot of family history and a long and ‘close’ relationship which was just stretched too far with all the external pressures of work and family. I also have suffered from depression from childhood difficulties leaving me with little self esteem in the past etc etc. However, I have been for counselling 20 years ago and again within the last 6 months which has been very positive and helpful for me but my husband never fully understood, though he has always tried to be supportive and I know has ‘adored’ me deep down from day one.
How a marriage can crumble and it is not until a disaster occurs that we are faced with its reality and the resulting emotional ‘tsunami’. I returned to UK (preplanned) four days after the traumatic discovery and remained away for over three weeks which was a needed time apart and communication with skype, email and text explored almost every aspect of the affair and our marriage as well as showing a lot of emotion.
Two of our sons were there for company and support, one in particular very calm, mature. understanding and impartial. Two weeks after the discovery, I bought your book and felt such relief that my thoughts and feelings were ‘natural’ reactions and was then able to follow a planned road to recovery as I was determined not to be a victim, my husband had immediately dropped and cut off the relationship with a text and one final email which made her call – but he clearly told her he was staying with his wife and family. They both knew their relationship was not really going anywhere though it had been becoming much more emotional and loving especially during the last 3-4 months as he had all the time to talk on skype etc as I was back in the UK. They had even made plans to meet both in UK and here but fortunately they came to nothing, realising it was inappropriate. They always knew what they were doing was wrong but never thought it would reach me and cause so much devastation. I only discovered the skype chat of the previous six months at first but it let me know that he has sent a Valentine’s Card which had taken ‘pride of place on her mantlepiece’ and there were several personal and loving comments. He only admitted to it being a ‘friendship’ he had restarted using the opportunity of the internet.
From the messages I knew there must be more so he told me there was a secret email address the day after. He thought he had deleted everything as I knew he would but when I checked when he went out, I discovered 18 months of emails – over 300 not fully deleted. Of course I did the wrong thing and opened them to discover just how serious it had been. I know that I made it hard and painful for myself and realise it was foolish but somehow I did not think I would get to the very bottom of the relationship though when I asked he did begin to admit more before I let him know what I had done. It was only then that he began to realise the full extent of what he had done and how very wrong it all was.
Since then he has been extremely remorseful and regretful etc. He almost had a reawakening realising all the wrongs he had done over the years in our marriage. He has always been ’selfish’ in his outlook, introspective and able to compartmentalise, as you so accurately described. Suddenly, he seemed to see how he had not been showing me the correct attention and love in small ways that count but just considered me to be almost an extension of himself. He is strong and determined when met with a challenge but emotionally has felt poor self worth and self confidence with others. I knew all his weaknesses but never did I consider he could be so unfaithful and keep a secret which could have destroyed our marriage if allowed to progress.
I have related most of our situation as once I started, it was not easy to stop. My question really is, have we moved along the recovery process too quickly? I realise there will be ups and downs but now that I have just in this last few days felt almost normal without her tormenting me over my shoulder 24/7, I am concerned about the fragility of it all. We have been reading some spirituality books, The Power Within by Louise Hay and Finding Happiness, Abbot Christopher Jamison and some Buddhism which has been very useful also. I have accepted what has happened, my role and weaknesses within the marriage and know that I must move on to forgiveness and rise above it all eventually.
We are obviously of quite mature years, myself 58 and my husband 59, and only wish to find happiness and peace together in the years ahead. I listened to your short video and totally agree that couples using this book to rebuild their relationship with all the ‘dead bodies’ surfacing have much more chance of a quicker recovery and perhaps because this was not a physical affair, I have less to resolve. However, I have found emotional betrayal extremely painful as she was providing what I should have been able to do but then she did not have all his other baggage to deal with ie the need for affirmation and attention from any unattached or willing women at social functions who could not resist his calm, sympathetic nature etc. He has always found it difficult to see anything from another’s perspective which I remember was how his own mother used to be, a strong minded forceful woman! He, in effect, became like her I suppose but fortunately has discovered another way to be which may bring him the kind of happiness he really wants.
Quite a saga! But my question is quite simple about really. Have we moved on too quickly and perhaps expecting too much too soon.?
With grateful thanks for such an incredible guide to help us rebuild our marriage, rediscover the deep love we have and improve our necessity to communicate all thoughts and concerns.
Andrew writes:
You have certainly travelled a long way in a short amount of time. You are both to be congratulated for all the hours of talking and soul searching. I’m glad that you’ve found my book helpful as part of this process.
However, I’ve got two comments to make.
- An emotional affair is just as painful as a physical one – so please don’t under-estimate the pain or get angry with yourself if there are times when the anger or hurt comes back.
- It takes time to get over an affair – as well as talking and hard work.
So although I don’t think you’ve moved too quickly, I suspect you’ll still get ambushed by bad days, sudden questions and the kick-back from some anniversary reawakening some pain. At the time, it might seem that you’re right back at step one but, don’t worry, you’ll bounce back quicker second or third time round.
I also think it takes time to full digest the lessons from ‘Intensive Learning’ and to integrate them into your marriage. If I was seeing you, I would want to check how your husband feels about the sexual abuse (partners go through a range of emotions too) and provide a forum for talking about how to improve your lovemaking. 50+ is the glory days of sex when couples are mature enough and have enough self-knowledge to bring all of themselves, not just their genitals, into the bedroom. There is no reason why your sex life should not be transformed from ‘less than satisfactory’ to ‘good’.
Finally, listen to your instincts – they sound good. You’re feeling delicate and insecure because you’re recovering from a life changing moment. Keep going forward and it will be the foundation for something wonderful.
