Ask Andrew – 274
Dear Andrew
My husband came out with ILYB just over 2 months ago now. We have been together 10 years and married for 5 and have a 3 year old son. At least I think it was a ILYB. He said he loved me deep down but didn’t have the spark any more and didn’t know if he wanted us to try.
Whilst we had been in a rut for about 6 months I just thought we needed more quality couple time. My husband works a lot in a pressurised job and between that, studying for his exams and football, I just felt we needed to have time together and a good holiday. So it all came out of the blue for me.
He said he needed to move out for space and he couldn’t explain what was going off in his head, everything was the matter, not just our relationship and it was nothing I had done or said. Everyone was surprised by this including his family and have all asked if he is having an affair. He is adamant he is not having an affair but before he left I found inappropriate text messages on his phone from a work colleague. I confronted him but he said they were just friends so I feel there is an inappropriate friendship there but he doesn’t acknowledge that and is adamant nothing is going on and he’s not moving out to pursue an affair.
Before he left, he said he still saw me as his wife, this as his family and this as his home and he wanted contact with me but he’s taken his ring off saying it felt right – but didn’t understand why i had taken mine off however as ‘this’ wasn’t final.
He’s moved out 2 weeks now and there’s barely been contact other than seeing him on our son’s birthday, which was hard but actually we ended up having a nice morning and got on.
I just don’t know how to act now. I’m struggling with the anger bit and have read the section in the book on it. I want to hate him for this and not being able to explain anything but I love him so much its hard to get angry other than in short bursts. I don’t know how to treat our separation and to make him want to talk to me about it all. Do I contact him as he says I can or is that not giving space? Do I leave any contact down to him but does that make me look like I don’t care? I feel a need to want to push him on how long we live like this but don’t want to push him away, I just feel 10 years is too much to just give up on. I’m struggling to cope bringing up our son whilst he seems to get his single life and I assume contact with his work colleague..
Andrew writes:
You need to give your husband a simple and consistent message. It should cover how you’re feeling, explain why you’re sometimes hostile and what you want. For example: ‘I love you. I hate what you’re doing to our marriage. Let’s sort our problems and bring the passion back into our marriage.’ (My guess is that with a three year old son, your love life will have been coasting along. So tell him, how you’d like things to be as he might fear you’ve been happy settling for OK sex rather than passionate sex.)
Discuss with your husband about access to your son, whether that will involve you or not and how much contact the two of you should have. I know this is painful but don’t push for clarity too soon. His feelings will change on a daily basis and if he feels backed into a corner, he’ll say ‘it’s over’ because he will be frightened of giving you false hope. So try and keep calm, talk about subject he will discuss and keep the lines of communication open.
In the meantime, get a team of friends around you that will support and can cope with you been stuck, uncertain and upset (rather than pushing you to split and get it over and done with). Read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ because an inappropriate friendship – and talking about his problems with her rather than you – is just as much a betrayal as sleeping with her. So please do not underestimate the seriousness of her involvement.
Remember these are very early days, if you report rather than act out your feelings (see HCIETYA for a deeper explanation) and listen to him rather than leap to judgement, you will get a better understanding of why he’s acting so strangely and how to move forward (slowly, carefully and prepared for steps backwards as well as forwards). All is not lost. Be hopeful. Be brave and look after your son.
