Ask Andrew – 275
Hi Andrew,
I’m 38 and single and cut out your Guardian article. I’ve been single for 10+ years. Dates and so on; nothing serious.
My life is totally different to what I ever imagined – in some very positive ways. The negative side is I just never expected to be single. Life is generally good – fun activities, wide range of friends, emotionally closer to family, etc.
A couple friends totally disappeared into relationships and haven’t resurfaced. Others have returned now their kids are older. I’ve often felt like a catalyst for others to meet, which I mostly like. Starting to worry now about having to start from scratch again as currently-single friends will meet their someone special. I don’t want to be a leftover for the rest of my life.
I sometimes picture being 80 in my old folks’ home welcoming old friends who’ve lost their partners but slightly resenting, underneath, that they deserted me for so long. I worked in an old folks’ home as a teen and there are waaaay more women than men at that age.
The guy I thought I’d marry died in a motorcycle accident when I lived in the US (I’m a native). We’d been on-and-off for about 5yrs. We’d always said we’d get married when we were 30. He died about two months before his 29th birthday. Some irrational part of me acts like he intentionally died in the ambulance. As in, he stopped trying to live (as opposed to the reality of uncontrollable organ failure) which is his escape hatch to avoid having to be with me.
A few months before, we’d talked about me moving to his location. He had ‘things’ to sort out first. I got fed up after a month (Feb) and we never spoke again. At the funeral in may, I learned he was living with another girl. I moved to London that Sept.
I expected it to take a couple of years to recover. But not ten years. Focused a lot on work and weekend partying at first. Then I got into a hobby. Today, partying is not in my lifestyle and I work to keep my job within time boundaries. I’m possibly going back to uni for 3 years for a career change. It feels that things are finally looking up, like a real turning point.
My parents are still together. Their communication is lacking; it works due to mutual Catholicism / values. My mom is nice but irrational and over-dramatic at times. My siblings think she competes with me on some level which explains some behaviour. She unfairly blames all negative occurrences in her life on my dad. Dad just lets her / pretends not to hear. I hate both sides of that coin. Can that cycle be broken?
My dad loves working and could very possibly be described as a workaholic (tax accountant and weekend farmer). I can see why – with 4 kids to provide for and my mom not fiscally very aware, I’d have been freaking out if I was him. I used to think he worked to get away from my mom. Generally, they’re friendly, nice and caring people.
My first real boyfriend relationship lasted for 2 years in high school. That was mostly a positive & significant relationship experience for me. Things very wrong a year after the end. BF took his friend’s word over mine after a sexual assault against me. The other guys, who were actually there, were offering to testify against the friend. I dropped it and went a bit off the rails for the rest of uni.
I don’t think I have a good sense of what to expect in a real, solid relationship. People say I’m too busy. Is it my accent? Married colleagues ask why I’m still single and I just say I’ve not met the right person. Is this an implied “What’s wrong with you” or a genuine question? Is this too much baggage? Is it too late for me?
Andrew writes:
It’s never too late to find love, so let’s hit that on the head straight-away. What’s wrong with you? Nothing. You sound sensible, caring and together. Why are you single? You’ve had some bad luck – a mother who dumped her feelings onto you, a father who has caring but not always available and, something that you completely underplay in your letter, you were sexually assaulted and, worse still, let down by the person who should have believed you. I’m getting angry with him just typing this letter.
However all these things can be sorted out reasonably simply. Your parents. Don’t worry about trying to fix their marriage out but instead focus on changing your relationship with each of them (There’s advice in Chapter Two of the my book ‘The Single Trap’). I would get some counselling to look at the sexual abuse, how it effected your relationships with other men (including the ‘man you should have married’ because his lack of honesty is getting me angry again).
Honestly, it sounds like a few minor changes – which will help you trust men rather than expect them to let you down – and you’ll be through all of this. I’m feeling really optimistic. Read ‘The Single Trap’ and take it from there.
