Ask Andrew – 277
Dear Andrew,
I have been with my husband for a long time and I found out 5 years ago that he had an affair with a work colleague. She had a baby from this relationship. Initially my husband wanted both of us to show “a united front” and go to the hospital after the child was born. I refused and said that I could not cope with seeing the 3rd party and the child, a constant reminder of the betrayal. At that point I said that if he wanted to have involvement with the child he could do so, but we would have to part. He made the decision to stay.
I am writing because it is over 5 years ago since the affair and although he says he has not had any contact, I still feel betrayed, hurt and cannot believe that he could do this to us. He said his thoughts were always with me, but this does not make me feel better, but worse. Obviously thoughts of me were not enough for him to stop the affair.
I’ve nearly finished reading your book: “How can I ever trust you again”, and it seems that I should work on the relationship. I’m not sure whether to stay or leave. I still love my husband and he loves me, however, I cannot live with the knowledge of the affair and the child. I feel at this point that a divorce would be the best way forward, as I would be able to draw a line under our marriage and move on. Can you give me any advice, your book talks about things improving after 6 months this has been 5 years. What can I do, why can’t I accept what has happened and move on?
Andrew writes:
Let’s start with the positives, you love your husband and he loves you. This is definitely a foundation for saving your marriage.
However, whenever there is a baby born from an affair, it makes recovery much harder. While a relationship that ended five years ago is in the past and something abstract. A five year old child is running around, very real and very much in the present. There are also a million and one worries about what will happen in the future and whether he or she will knock on your door.
So I’m not surprised that you’re having trouble accepting the affair. In fact, I’d be surprised if you could – without a lot of talking and discussing with your husband (and I guess he shuts down the subject at every opportunity). So what should you do? When you finish the book, and there’s a section about babies born from an affair, talk to your husband. Tell him calmly how unhappy you’ve been and that you are seriously considering divorce. Ask him to read the book too and for his thoughts on how you can move forward together. (It’s not just up to you to solve this issue – but a joint enterprise.)
Finally, I have two pieces of advice. Try and be as forgiving as possible – especially to yourself – and to explain to your husband what would make it easier for you to forgive him. Next, I would get help from RELATE or someone else who does couple work.
I’ve seen couples make huge strides forward in these circumstances and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t one of them.
