Ask Andrew – 280
Dear Andrew,
I recently had the ILYB talk with my husband, and have been finding your book really helpful. A lot of it has really been ringing true for me.
The problem really started about 3 years ago. Our relationship was very close (actually too close) and I barely had any other interests or friends. I had to move away for work for a year, and would come home at the weekends. At first it was awful but then I realised that I had actually felt a bit suffocated in the relationship.
Also I was frustrated because after being together for 7 years, he did not seem to want to commit in terms of marriage. Whenever I spoke about it, he was very non-committal about his views. I was seriously thinking of ending things, and met someone else (Steven) whose company I really enjoyed. We started an affair, and I planned to break things off with John. Then out of the blue, John proposed to me. I was so shocked and I just didn’t know what to do.
I stupidly said yes, because I didn’t want to hurt him – I felt that it really was a bad time to be telling him how I had been feeling. I think I hoped that everything would just go back to how it was, now that he had been able to commit to marrying me. However, I just felt full of guilt and unhappiness with the whole situation.
The affair continued, and I fell in love with Steven. Steven also had a partner (living elsewhere), and he was planning to move away to live with her. We got on well and enjoyed each other’s company, but he made it clear that it would eventually end when he moved away.
Their relationship broke up around 4 months ago (it sounds as if they were also in an ILYB situation, and had grown apart). I am still in love with him, even though I went through with my marriage to John a year ago. Steven says he loves me, and has for a long time, but had been trying to ignore it because he felt that he should try to make things work with his ex. He really wants us to be together, but says that he just wants me to be happy (even if that means ending it with him, and being with John). I have not told John about the affair.
I don’t know what to do. I still care so much for John– he is kind, gentle, honest, and trustworthy.
However, in recent years he has been miserable at work and that has spilled over into our home life. He would just come home, put the TV on and sit in silence. If I tried to talk, he would say he was tired, or just wanted some peace and quiet. He has now taken a new job, and is much happier. The problem is that it is 3 hours away, and so once again we are living apart. I felt upset that he took the job, despite me mentioning my worries about the ILYB situation.
Sex is also an issue. John has a much higher sex drive, and I have just gone off sex with him all together. To be honest, I don’t find him attractive any more.
Steven on the other hand – from his behaviour, and mine, I would be worried that he would repeat his cheating behaviour if we were together. But we get on so well, share interests, beliefs and ideas for the future. I like to think that it would work out really well, but I wonder if I am just fooling myself.
I have spoken to John, and explained what my feelings were around the time that he proposed. I have not told him about the affair.
We discussed the fact that we have grown apart, and we had planned to spend more time together – though this is now difficult with his new job. We are going to try and work through things. At the moment, the reasons I have for wanting to make the marriage work do not seem especially positive. I am scared of being alone, scared of hurting him, feeling a failure, scared of making a mistake and losing someone with so many positive attributes. I realise that people reading this will think I am a horrible person, and not have sympathy for me. I feel really disgusted that I am having an affair, as it goes against all of my values. I just want to make the right decision for everyone. I don’t want to regret throwing away a relationship with John, but equally I don’t want to regret losing the opportunity of a happy and fulfilling relationship with Steven. Can you really be in love with 2 people? – can you help me with ways to work out where to go from here? Thank you so much.
Andrew writes:
Can you love two people at the same time? It’s a good question and after giving it a lot of thought, I’ve decided to write a whole article on the subject…. but in the meantime, let me distil my thoughts and suggest a way forward.
I’d like to start with you a question: What is love?
In my opinion, you need three basic qualities: Intimacy, passion and commitment. Unfortunately, you’ve got passion with your boyfriend, commitment with your husband and a bit of intimacy with each. So it sounds like, you don’t love either man.
I know that sounds terribly judgemental – and that’s not something I want to be. In fact, I want to reassure. You’re not a terrible person, just a very frightened one who has made some bad decisions and got herself into a terrible pickle.
So how did you get into this mess? Please read The Single Trap because I explain in detail just how frightening it is too be truly close to someone (because we become vulnerable to being rejected, abandoned, hurt or taken over). So it is quite common to spread the load and be close (in a friendship way) with one guy and be close (in a sexual way) with another. In effect, with two guys the danger of being abandoned seems less. Have a think why your fear of being abandoned seems so strong. Did your father leave when you were young or was he not available in some way?
Next, watch the clip on ANDREW TV (on this site) where I discuss the eight types of affair – it sounds like you have a tripod affair where you need both men to function. Then read the book ‘How can I ever trust you again’ to understand better the dynamics of affairs and how they happen in a bubble. Until the bubble bursts, you cannot judge your relationship with Steven and how much is based on reality and how much on pumped up adrenaline.
Ultimately, the only way you can move forward is to be honest with John and tell him what’s been happening. It will also help you deal with your feels of disgust with yourself. Yes, he might leave you. But do you want your marriage to be based on a lie? Or do you want him to love you for who you really are: someone with flaws, yes, but someone with the guts to face up to the truth.
