Ask Andrew – 282
Dear Andrew,
I have written to you before and got very good advice. I have read how
can I ever trust you again, which helped me greatly.
My husband had a 6 month affair which ended 15 months ago. We have got
to the bottom of our problems, talked over and over again, moved house
to have a new start. Our relationship is better than its been for a few
years, I couldn’t ask for anything else from him. He is very apologetic
and he wishes he had never had an affair. There is no contact and hasn’t been
been for a year. He says he never thinks about her, has no feelings
for her, knows he never loved her or wanted a permanent relationship with he
her. My issue is that I still can’t stop thinking about it, it still
haunts me. I still want to talk about it and understandably he doesn’t.
I have had all my questions answered, now I just ask the same questions!
I have started to go to a hypnotherapist and had a few sessions, still
don’t think it is helping.
Do I just need more time to pass? How long does it take to stop
obsessing about something that happened in the past?
The voice in my head could put an end to an otherwise very happy marriage.
we have been married for 20 years and are 57 and 50. I know I love him
and don’t want to end the marriage, but don’t know how long I or he can
put up with my dragging it up again and again.
Andrew writes:
It normally takes a year to feel better – getting through all the anniversaries are tough – but after that, things should significantly improve. By the time the second year is over, the trauma should be in the past. So although time will heal, I suspect you need something more…..
So what should you do? First, re-read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ When people read in the first drama of discovering, they get one set of learning. When they re-read, slower and thinking everything through, they get a second learning that is appropriate for where they are now. Pay particular attention to the exercises. I’d like you to do the ‘Daily Pages’ and instead of having that voice in your head, get it down on paper. This will drain some of the energy but allow you to step back and understand what is driving your obsessing. My guess is that there is one small issue that is animating this whole crisis. If you know what it is, you can then begin to deal with it.
Secondly, look at the section on forgiveness. I wonder if although you’ve forgiven your partner, you haven’t forgiven yourself. Could this questioning be a way of punishing yourself for not being vigilant or in some way not good enough? (If this is the case, read The Single Trap as the first part of the book about working on yourself is helpful whether you’re looking for love or already in a relationship.)
Next, I wonder if this trauma has brought up some old trauma that has not been healed? Maybe from your childhood or a bereavement or a terrible accident?
Finally, think about coming on my workshop in September: Heal and move on. It is an incredibly powerful day and will help identify the missing the piece of the jigsaw.
