Ask Andrew – 283
Dear Andrew,
I’m reading ILYB because my husband had an affair with a work colleague who’s also married, (her husband doesn’t know). He says he wants to stay with me but I feel at the moment that it’s only because it’s less drama to stay than leave. He’s admitted that he loves her, but ‘not enough’ to leave me. We’ve been trying really hard to reconnect and having some good times, but he can’t break off contact with her and is still exchanging messages with her. She is 1 of the most determined people I’ve ever met, and she’s in love with my husband.
My husband has never talked about his feelings and doesn’t really talk about the affair, answering my questions as briefly as possible, and lying compulsively. I love him and although right now it would be easier to leave him and get away from all this pain, there are still some good times and I vowed ‘for better or worse’.
We’ve had a couple of Relate sessions, which have helped, but I’m not sure how far the counsellor can take us.
How can I get him to open up, get over his feelings for her, focus on me? Or should I cut my losses? [We have two small children.]
Andrew writes:
I’m glad you’re finding ILYB useful but I think you’re reading the wrong book.
Your husband is ‘involved’ with another woman and whether he is having sex with her or just flirty messages, it is still an affair. So PLEASE read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’
As you will see, there are seven stages from discovery to recovery but it is only at stage three (decision time) when you should make any decisions. It sounds to me, you are still at stage two – Intense Questioning – as you don’t know what has happened or is happening.
Finally, I want to offer reassurance. Affair love -which is what he’s experiencing – happens in a bubble and seldom lasts. However, until the bubble bursts, he is unlikely to open up or focus on you.
Keep strong, look after your children and yourself. The months ahead are going to be very tough but you will come out the other side stronger and probably just as determined as this other woman (if not more so).
